not to do what I wanted to do; he wasn’t interested in my feelings. As I stood looking at him, I began to wonder if I ever knew him at all. ‘There’s nothing wrong with my head, thank you. Lots of people have seizures. It’s quite common. It’s just made me rethink things and change my priorities.’ I’d looked at him pleadingly. ‘I hoped you might understand.’
‘I do understand. I just think you shouldn’t be too hasty. Maybe this …’ he had hesitated a fraction too long, then continued as he met my steely glare ‘… epilepsy is making you feel different but once you’ve got used to it, you’ll go back to being your old self.’
‘Maybe I don’t want to be my old self. Perhaps I want more than that now. I want to be someone who does something that matters.’
‘Being a lawyer does matter,’ he’d said defensively.
‘Yes.’ I’d realised I was still offending him, so I’d struggled to try to explain. ‘Being a lawyer is a fantastic job, but I want to give something back, work with kids. Change something about this tired, jaded old world.’
‘But you never mentioned this when I met you.’ Looking at his puzzled face I had felt a little sorry for him. He’d been genuinely shocked at what happened. He just couldn’t keep up.
‘No because I didn’t feel that way then, but now I do.’
After a long pause, Ryan had said quietly, ‘Maybe you don’t even want to marry me any more.’
‘I did,’ I’d said sadly. ‘I do, but you have to accept me for who I am.’
He’d shaken his head. ‘I’m just not sure who you are any more, Sophia.’
And in that moment it had ended, along with my job and everything else that I thought had been sorted so perfectly.
‘I’m no expert on men,’ says Erica, putting her arm round me, ‘but I suspect Jack is totally different from Ryan. To be honest, I always felt Ryan was the sort of guy for whom appearances mattered more than reality. I mean … look at his mother.’
I chuckle. ‘I know what you mean. The old-school – can’t talk about our feelings or emotions; illness is a weakness.’ I remember him once telling me about the time the family cat died and it was as though he had never even existed. He was just never mentioned again. There was certainly no talking about it. Ryan’s family are worryingly repressed when it comes to emotions.
‘That’s the one. But Jack has been so kind: sending down drinks; he’s regularly phoning Bertie, Mavis and several more otherwise very lonely people pretty much every day.’
‘I know. He’s a decent guy.’ I dry my eyes with the tissue she gives me. ‘It’s just all been too much lately, this whole lockdown thing. Mum, you, the kids at school – I worry about everything. And much as I like Jack, I just don’t think I can put myself out there again.’
‘I know it’s hard, Miss Worrywart, and that’s why we all love you so much, because you care. But for just one moment let yourself enjoy something for what it is. Jack’s just a friend and right now a fairly lonely one who has been through a lot and thinks he’s really upset you. Give him and yourself a chance. Otherwise you’ll regret it.’
Chapter 20
Jack
For the first time in a couple of weeks I can’t be bothered to get out of bed. I’ve got a whole load of stuff to do, but no real inclination to do any of it. I switch on my phone, hoping there might be something from Sophia. I flick onto the message I sent her a couple of days ago and it says ‘read’, yesterday evening at 8 p.m. I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or not. Surely if she’d forgiven me she would have replied.
Yesterday evening had gone on forever. I’d wandered about the flat aimlessly picking things up and putting them down again. I’d half-heartedly played the guitar, ready for our balcony music night this week, but it hadn’t really felt right. Some days, however hard you try, the notes don’t sing out and the melody doesn’t flow.
I kept the balcony door open and at one point, pulled up my trusty wine box, full of hope that there might be a reply. The note and the bacon butty had gone but the box was sadly empty. It felt symbolic of my current life without Sophia. I’ve had to put the