I did want to talk to you guys. Together. I’ve been reading more about Edie’s death, and I sort of suddenly realized I have the skills to really examine it. And, like, the distance, maybe?”
Sarah’s face was politely blank, a passenger waiting for the flight attendant to take her drink order.
“I basically—I’m realizing I don’t remember it as clearly as I thought I did, like maybe I did actually black out, and it’s this missing piece of my memory that…that you guys were all present for, and that was really bothering me.”
She’d stiffened. Alex kept his eyes on his place mat.
“I went through the case files, and like you said, it just—it doesn’t add up,” I said. “I can’t believe I’m saying this ten years after you…after all of it. But it’s been keeping me up at night. We owe it to her to get it right.”
Sarah looked at Alex, then at me. “So what’s your question?”
“I just—I don’t have all my memories of that night. And so I guess I came to…to ask for yours.” My voice cracked on the last sentence, but I kept the rush of tears from breaking free.
Sarah’s chin trembled and she turned to gaze out the window. “I’m sorry, Lindsay. I’m sorry you were spared the life-altering experience of finding your roommate with a bullet in her head because you’d had too much to drink. But I don’t feel like it’s a good idea for us to talk you through it so you can implant some false memory of being there.”
“Harsh,” Alex said, knee-jerk. We were still. This time I blinked hard and let the tears fall, one from an outer corner, one from inside, along my nose. I felt the pink steam of shame, of disgust with myself.
“Am I wrong?” she said to Alex, eyebrows high.
“I’m sorry,” I said before he could answer. “I really didn’t think through what I was asking. I know it’s not fair. I…I’m sorry.” I swallowed with effort and began to rise from the booth. My thigh stuck on the vinyl and made a ripping noise.
“You know, I was basically ostracized for saying it wasn’t a suicide,” Sarah offered.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” I said, sitting back down. “I didn’t even know you were going through that. But I’m sure everyone was…It was hard enough to process as is.”
“Look, we were all having a hard time,” Alex added, as if that were an apology. “We were worried about you. Like…now we were losing two friends instead of one.”
She nodded. I felt a childish spray of annoyance: three friends, right? Weren’t they sad to see me go?
“Listen, I’m really, really sorry nobody listened to you.” I leaned my head against the booth and closed my eyes. “For what it’s worth, Kevin told me he didn’t think it was a suicide, either.”
“Really?” They said it almost in unison.
I nodded.
“I didn’t know that,” Alex said accusingly, and I shot him a look: As far as Sarah knew, all of this was new material.
She sighed. “So Kevin had his suspicions, too. I can’t figure out if that makes me feel better or worse.”
The waitress came by; Alex got a beer, and Sarah ordered chicken noodle soup, an odd choice. It was strange to watch our old dynamic creeping in: analytical Sarah; confident, patronizing Alex. His fingers brushed mine when he grabbed his glass, and I pulled my arm away; I had to focus.
“Did Kevin say anything else?” Sarah asked.
“No, just that I should figure out what really happened that night.”
“And you looked into it? What’d you find?”
“No real bombshells.” Well, apart from the incriminating Flip cam video. “It’s weird that the cops didn’t talk to Greg, isn’t it? The guy she dated before you, Alex.”
“I did; I looked into him,” Sarah replied.
“Really?” Alex and I both turned to look at her.
“Yeah, I was in total Nancy Drew mode for a while. He was out of town for a conference the week Edie died. He gave a presentation, so it was pretty well documented.” We must have looked astonished. “I went deep on this.”
“Did you know her mom was there that night?” I said.
She nodded.
“You did?” Alex perked up.
“Yeah, the night she died. Shortly before you came over. I told the cops, and it always bothered me how little they wanted to hear it. Like, I was staring at the guy with the pen thinking, ‘Aren’t you going to write this down?’ ”
“What’d you tell them?” Alex asked.
She let out