into her thought process. Closing the book he tossed it across the room in frustration.
Getting to his feet, he started to pace around the room, nervous energy coursing through him. Could she really have based decisions about their life - about Jack's life - on one silly conversation they had after sex? Was this entire chain of events set in to motion because of something he said? Had she really had such little faith in him?
His anger built at the thought that what had been an inconsequential, throwaway comment - to him - had cost him the woman he loved and his child. How was he to have known she was pregnant when they had that conversation? He had only a vague recollection of the conversation and remembering how it felt to hold Jack the first time, he couldn't imagine referring to him as a nightmare. Jack was precious and Eric loved him with a ferocity he did not know existed.
As he continued pace and thoughts continued like machine-gun fire in his head, a different question popped up. What if it wasn't a lack of faith in him but total faith in him?
She had been the only girlfriend in whom he had confided about the pain of his life growing up - she had been such a soft place to fall for him that he was able to finally tell someone about what it was like to grow up feeling unloved, to always be falling short of expectations. Over the years he had shared so much of his childhood with her and talked openly about all the reasons why he didn't want - couldn't have - children. And then when their friends announced their surprising news he reacted as expected - that it was a terrible thing to become a father if you weren't ready for it or didn't want it. She had believed him to be who he said he was. Nathalie had faith in him, faith that he would hate the idea of being a father, faith that he would say his dreams - their dreams - were dead. He had not given her a single reason to trust that he would react in any way other than how he had said he would.
Blowing out his cheeks, he sank on to the edge of the bed and cradled his head in his hands. If he were being painfully honest with himself - and if ever there was a time for unadulterated honesty it was now - he very likely would have reacted exactly as she feared. Eight years had brought a lot of change to his life and if the man he was today had been the one to be told they were having a baby, he had no doubt that his reaction would have been one of love and excitement. But back then he was incredibly rigid in his beliefs and opinions. There had been little room for flexibility for fear that it would take him away from achieving his goals. Those goals had been his ticket out of his difficult childhood, they had given him entrance into a new world and a new life where he was accepted and appreciated for who he was. He had clung to them like a life raft.
Nathalie would have known that, he realized. She often knew him better than he knew himself and she would have understood what the news would have done to him. And so she did what she felt was her only option - she left. He wasn't excusing her decision - he still had a right to know, but for the first time since he found her three line note he understood. At least a little.
The way forward was crystal clear to him. He put the diary and the photo albums back in the box before returning it to its spot in the closet. Heading out of the bedroom, he grabbed his keys from the hall table and darted out of his apartment.
The walk to Sarah's apartment was only two short blocks. Sarah had told him more than once that she would have preferred if he didn't live as close as he did but it was a deal breaker for Eric.
It was hard enough to pretend he wasn't Jack's father, he wasn't willing to put even more distance between them by living on the other side of town.
Sarah was surprised to find him on her step as she opened the door. "Eric?"