to not read it but the truth was he was afraid of what was in there. He was afraid that the truth on the pages would illustrate what he had done to destroy her trust in him or worse, destroy his belief that she had ever truly loved him.
Eric shook his head to chase away the ghosts of thoughts past. He knew differently than that. He knew when he kissed her. He knew when he held her in his arms and when he fell asleep with her breath rustling against his shirt and he certainly knew when he heard her tell Sarah. She had loved him. She still did.
Whatever caused her to give up Jack had been horrifying and traumatic, there was no doubt. What still pierced his heart was that she left in the first place without ever telling him he was a father. Whatever could have possessed her to think he would not have stood by her side? Was she afraid that he would be such an awful father that their child would be better off without him? Picking up the diary he hoped there might be some clues inside.
Flipping to the back of the book, he looked for the last entries; it was silly really but he felt that if he didn't read the whole thing, if he only looked for the parts that would tell him what he needed to know that it would somehow be less of an invasion of her privacy.
.
February 7, 2001
I can't get enough sleep. E joked that I was suffering from African Sleeping Sickness because every time he comes home I'm passed out. Karen joked that I must be pregnant - what a nightmare that would be. Kids aren't part of the plan - we have it all mapped out - fellowships, Doctors Without Borders overseas and then staff positions in New York or Chicago.
I'm going to up my vitamins and if that doesn't work, I'll get E to give me a B12 shot.
February 18, 2001
I'm late. Very late. And as much as I'm trying to convince myself that it's the stress I'm pretty sure it isn't. We are always careful - always. This is some kind of sick joke that my body is playing on me. I can't quite bring myself to take a test -not yet anyways. What if it's positive?
What does that mean for me? For E? For us?
February 21, 2001
I'm pregnant. I want to say it's a nightmare come to life but I can't. I can't say that because somehow the minute I discovered I am carrying a baby I fell in love with it. My baby. Our baby.
But how can the universe be so cruel? How can it give me something with one hand and take something away with the other? E is going to lose his mind - this will ruin everything.
.
Closing the book, Eric took several deep breaths. He was incredulous that she would have thought that of him. He had always been loving and honest with her and while a baby was not what either of them had planned for, he was sure that he would have been supportive. It was an unexpected pain to discover that the person you loved with everything did not have faith in you.
He flipped over several entries that had nothing to do with her pregnancy, though he did pause on the one where she described their night out at a Blackhawks game. A smile crept across his face as he was reminded at how free and brazen they could be. It was the next entry that turned the light bulb on over his head.
.
March 25, 2001
Rachel is pregnant. E told me as we were lying in bed - just as I was building up to tell him about the baby - and he was horrified by it all. He said it was a waste because R can't do her fellowship now. He said oops babies can derail a person's life and it would feel like a nightmare if he were in Greg's place.
I can't hide from this much longer -physically or emotionally. Now what?
.
"Now you stay," he said out loud to the book. "Now you stay and tell me you're pregnant. Now you let me watch your belly grow. Now you let be in the delivery room and see our son come into the world. Now you don't run."
Flipping through the rest of the book he realized it was the last entry. There would be no insight