It smelled of the sea. He tapped the edge against the case notes from the day’s patients. He had to know what he was up against, so he used his finger to tear it open.
On the one hand he had no idea how he could continue lying to Elizabeth. He felt sick every time she questioned him, especially since he had read of the truth she had written to Tom that morning. Dizziness had consumed him to the point of near fainting when she asked him whether Tom had written to her, knowing her lover’s letter was right there in his bag alongside the one she had written to him, which he had failed to deliver. It had seemed such a good idea to tell her that he would deliver a letter on her behalf, but it was harder than he thought to lie to the woman he loved. Of course, he had never intended to send anything but had hoped the idea of communication with Tom would be the end of it. When no response came, he had been sure she would tire, her affections reverting to him. He couldn’t have positioned himself any better for it. But now there was a baby. He glanced down at the small white envelope and told himself that he really should give it to her. To let her go was the only kind thing, if that was what she wanted. But he couldn’t do it. He wanted her for himself. He had so much more to offer that it simply wasn’t fair to let her make such a terrible mistake. Not fair to anybody.
Elizabeth would always be the girl who’d fooled around with the local boy, he the fool who married her regardless, but if nobody knew, then it was almost as if it had never happened. The truth was only the truth once it was known. Why should he let her throw her life away for a boy who could give her nothing, when he could give her everything? Surely he would make a much better father than Tom. If he could just hold on a little bit longer, he knew he could convince her of the right way forward. All he had to do was keep her away from Tom once he returned from Wolf Rock. Or find a way to ensure that he never returned. Either suited James just fine.
He reached into the envelope and pulled the letter out. He began to read as the smell of frying fish permeated the room.
Dear Elizabeth,
Sometimes when I think of my location on this earth I feel as if I am a million miles and a thousand hours from the safety of home. Wolf Rock is a precarious place, Elizabeth, and it is true what Mr. Pommeroy told me before I left, that one false foot could render me a thing of the past. I think I saw you on the headland as we set sail, and that lasting view of you I keep with me all the time.
The waves roar beneath us like a jungle cat here. But this lighthouse was built strong, and I am being trained well by experienced company. The other keepers have made me welcome and have shown me the ropes. I already know how to light the lamp and change the vapor tubes, and I am pretty good at cleaning the windows, or so they tell me. The waves are getting increasingly rough, and I am concerned that the supply boat will be delayed. However, Keeper Robertson has been teaching me to cook, so at least upon my return I will be of some use to you. Time is passing quicker than I might have expected, but I admit not fast enough.
If you have made it this far into the letter, I can only assume that you wish to know what it is I have to say, despite what happened. So, on that note, I will stop coursing around the issue like the ships in the distance navigate around this volcanic outcrop of land, and ask that you forgive me. Please, please forgive me, Elizabeth. I beg you to try to understand why I left. I am truly sorry for what happened, and that I am not there to support you when you need me. I lie awake at night listening to the gentle vibrations of the revolving lamp and all I can think about is you telling me that you still imagine a future together.