still too painful. I’m aware that marriage may not be in the cards for me.
I stand at the window and study the exquisite fine jewelry gracing the small-framed vitrines as a guard at the door smiles when our eyes meet. I catch a glimpse of a man and a woman seated at a table inside the store inspecting jewels. I imagine how excited and happy the couple must be, probably choosing the perfect engagement ring to declare their love and commitment. I’m about to leave when the man turns slightly to look at the girl by his side and my heart withers when I see him. My heart. My poor heart, my poor stupid heart, my poor stupid worthless heart will never know love.
I’ve walked the streets of London for the last nine hours. I feel lost and numb. I don’t need food or water or rest or a bathroom; I just need to disappear. Why am I surprised? Did I think I meant something to him? Did I think I was destined for something other than pain and disappointment? I’ve been put on this earth as a spectator. I see others being loved and cherished, building families, and raising their kids while I just watch and admire from afar. I’ve been barefoot for the last few hours, heels in hand, and I can’t bring myself to go home because nothing feels like home.
It’s almost midnight when my aching feet finally near my building. My phone has been vibrating in my attaché case for hours; it’s Emily, no doubt, wondering why I haven’t answered her texts, which have been coming in non-stop.
I answer, “Hello,” and I know I sound exhausted.
“Hello, hello, you stupid cow, where have you been?” It’s Emily, sounding wild and frantic, and well…like Emily.
“Sorry, long day. I’m a bit blue today. I’ve been aimlessly walking around trying to clear my head. What time are you and Louis arriving tomorrow?”
I hear her make some animal growling sound. “Fucking say it!” she barks.
“No, I won’t. We swore we’d stop. I promise I’ll be pink tomorrow, and by then, you’ll be here and we can discuss this over drinks and sushi.”
Emily is back to making possessed sounds on the other end of the line. “Sara, if you don’t give me a song right now I will kill you and you won’t see tomorrow, and that’s a promise.”
I’m too weak to argue or fight with angry Barbie so I just say, “‘The Winner Takes It All’ by Abba.”
“But you’re the winner, right? You won! You get to take it all, right?” She sounds frantic and it’s kinda sorta comical how she gets worked up over nothing.
“No, Em, I’m pretty sure I lost.”
“You don’t need Jeff. Listen to me, something a million times better than Jeffery is waiting for you. Please tell me you believe me,” she says with such passion and conviction that it makes me smile and love her even more than I thought possible.
“Not Jeff, this isn’t about him. I accidently talked myself into loving someone just as unattainable as Jeffery, and I know that it sounds ridiculous because of how he left me and never looked back, but I thought what we had was different and perhaps special and that he felt it, too…and maybe, just maybe he’d wake up one morning and come find me. But that will never happen.” My voice cracks as a tear leaves my eyes and I start laughing at how stupid I’m being.
“Are you crying?” she asks and I shake my head, because I’m really not crying. I’m laughing and crying simultaneously, which is something totally different. “Go home, please. I don’t understand why shit can’t just go smoothly. But just get yourself home safely,” Em mumbles and I’m thankful she’s not pushing me to talk more because I’m wrecked.
“See you tomorrow. Have a safe flight and if you get a chance, grab me a couple cans of Bumble Bee tuna in spring water…I need to make myself a real tuna fish sandwich and I can’t deal with the tuna here. Love ya, kiss the kids for me,” I say and hang up just as I reach my building.
Tomorrow will be a better day, today just needs to end.
“Every Breath You Take” by The Police
I’m at my usual table eating my usual chocolate croissant and sipping black tea with milk and two sugars. I wait almost every single morning at eight sharp at this tiny corner café across the street from her