He offered me his good hand. I stood still, not wanting to say goodbye to him, not wanting to say goodbye to the version of me he’d met by the trees.
My youth is infinite but my fears are intimate.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result.
This was my chance to make a different choice, even if—especially if—it scared me.
“Actually…” I said, looking up at him. “Where do you keep your first aid kit?”
* * *
The music was loud; that was the first thing I noticed. The second was the sheer number of people filling the house. Most of them were concentrated back in the kitchen, at least as far as I could tell, but there were still kids clustered in the hallway and the foyer. Some of them were groups of people talking; others were guys and girls brazenly making out in front of everyone. I felt like I was watching the kids in the pool again—except this time I was in the water with them, and I didn’t know how to swim.
My heart was hammering and my hands were sweaty. The staircase was on the opposite wall, and I moved in that direction, focusing on nothing but the picture frames hanging above it. I had to excuse myself past a crowd of girls who were huddled together, laughing and yelling in high-pitched voices, but none of them seemed to notice me. I was just about to reach the bottom step when someone grabbed me from behind.
“Heyyyyy! You made it!”
Maritza was squeezing me too hard, talking too loudly in my ear. Then JaKory was hanging all over me, yelling, “This party’s amazing, Codi! I feel gregarious! I feel fun!”
I’d never seen my friends drunk before. Maritza’s eyes were heavy and unfocused; JaKory’s grin was wide and worry-free. They seemed slightly drunker than everyone around them, but no one seemed to notice.
“I can’t believe you came inside!” Maritza beamed. “Let’s get you a drink!”
“No, that’s okay—” I tried to say, but they dragged me through the foyer and into the kitchen, where the music was loudest and where the air was hot and swampy from all the people gathered together. Before I could refuse, Maritza pushed a beer into my hand.
“There are so many attractive people here,” she whispered. Her breath smelled like straight alcohol. “Hot guys and hot girls, but I don’t know how to talk to any of them!”
“She got shot down,” JaKory said, hanging off my shoulder. “It was so heartbreaking, Codi, I could feel it in my chest.”
“JaKory thinks that short white guy is hot, but he won’t go anywhere near him!”
“I can’t be a failure,” JaKory whispered, wobbling where he stood. “Am I a coward, Codi? Tell me I’m not a coward.”
“Are you driving us home, Codi? I’m sorry we got drunk, I didn’t mean to, but I was nervous, and I’m sorry I was an asshole, but you can’t forget that we’re best friends and I love you to the moon, okay?”
I looked into their hazy eyes. The hurt I felt from earlier was still fresh in my chest, but I didn’t have time to deal with it right now. I needed to get back to Ricky. “Look, guys, I have to use the bathroom, okay? Wait here and I’ll be right back.”
I handed them my untouched beer and pushed my way through all the hot, sweaty bodies until I was back at the staircase again. I hurried up it, praying no one would be at the top.
“Hey!” someone yelled from below. “Upstairs is off-limits! Ricky’s rules!”
I could feel my neck burning, my heart pounding harder, but all I did was glance back for the quickest second, mouth Bathroom, and hope the guy wouldn’t yell at me again.
I found the bathroom easily. It took all of two seconds to locate the antibiotic ointment and bandages inside the medicine cabinet and another few seconds to wet a hand towel from the closet, and then I was faced with going back downstairs. I took a deep, calming breath and pushed myself to leave before I could think twice about it.
No one said anything as I came rushing down the stairs, but right before I reached the front door I had to stop. A girl I vaguely recognized was trying to take a picture of some other girls, and I had almost walked right into it.