vague, black shapes now, shifting in opacity and shape, occasional glimpses of haunted, pale faces flickering into view before melting into nothing.
I wanted to run as far away as possible. I wanted to cry and curl up into a fetal ball. I wanted it all to go away.
I wanted Theo.
The Hashmallim seemed to block the path through the stones.
"What do I do now?" I yelled to the boy.
"Simply go through them to the center."
"Simple, my ass," I grumbled to myself, desperately trying to keep my feet pointed toward the horrors in front of me. "There's nothing simple about this. I doubt if the word exists around here."
I took another step forward. The nearest Hashmallim seemed to swell up, looming over me, drenching me in fear, loathing, terror, and a hundred other emotions that had me seriously wishing for death.
"I may have neglected to mention that only the pure of being can pass by the Hashmallim," the boy called to me, his voice thin and reedy on the increasing wind. "Those who are not pure..."
"Sweet sanity, he couldn't have mentioned that earlier?" I took a deep breath, my body racked with trembling so great that my teeth chattered as I yelled back, "What happens to them?"
"They do not leave."
A thousand and one sins flashed before my eyes, things I'd done in my life of which I was not proud, starting with a favorite toy I refused to share with a childhood friend, and ending with the loss of Theo's soul. Was I now being called to account for them? The thought of remaining in that place for eternity was almost enough to bring me to my knees, but just as I was convinced I couldn't do it, that I couldn't pass by the three Hashmallim, an image of Theo came to my mind. Theo laughing at a silly joke, Theo's face tight with passion as he found his release, Theo sleepy and adorable and so endearing it made tears prick behind my eyes. If I failed, I'd never see him again.
Theo loved me. I knew he did; I felt it in the soft touches of his mind against mine. And what was more, at that moment I knew with the certainty that I knew the Greisen-Zatsepin-Kuzmin limit was 5 x 1019 electron volts that I loved Theo with every molecule in my body. Surely I couldn't love someone so deeply, so completely, so absolutely without having some redeeming qualities?
I lifted my chin and stiffened my back, holding my gaze firm on the nearest Hashmallim as I took the hardest step forward I'd ever taken. "I am not a bad person. I have done some things in my life that I regret, but I am not evil. I don't abuse animals or children. I don't steal, try not to lie, and only kill really nasty bugs that are attempting to sting me. In a world divided into shades of good and bad, I am a good."
The Hashmallim didn't move as I forced my legs to move, closing my eyes as I brushed up against the edge of one of them. I fought to hold onto the knowledge that I was myself, a person with flaws and errors in judgment, but fundamentally good at heart.
The ground slipped out from under my feet, and I felt myself falling. I opened my eyes to stare unbelievingly at the grassy lawn of the Petitioner's Park as it zoomed up to meet me. The stone benches, the people standing around watching, Theo crouching on the ground over an inert body - they all rushed up to me until I realized I was actually plummeting down to the earth.
"Aieeeeeeeee," I screamed, my arms and legs flailing wildly.
Theo leaped back from the body on the ground as it disappeared, looking up toward me. I had a moment to see stark astonishment on his face.
"Catch me!" I yelled.
He leaped forward, his arms out.
I hit the ground a foot away from him, my fall somewhat broken by the soft lawn. It wasn't so soft that it cushioned me entirely, though. I lay facedown, spitting out bits of lawn, my head spinning, my chest aching, all the air having been slammed out of my lungs.
"Portia! Salus invenitur! Tell me you're all right!"
I lifted my head to glare at him, spitting out another mouthful of grass. "Exactly what part of 'catch me' wasn't clear to you?"
"Woman, you will be the death of me yet," he said, pulling me up to an embrace that