my arms around her and tell her that I’d brace the world for as long as she needed. That was the entire reason I was here, to do whatever I could to ease her.
But I couldn’t say that, because while she may have let Chaos do that for her, may even have accepted his love, she wouldn’t let Beckett. And if she knew why I kept that secret…well, she’d probably bury me out there next to Ryan. God knew I’d already wished that fate upon myself a hundred times.
“And I’m sure he told you that he worked with Uncle Ryan?” Ella asked, her gaze flying to mine briefly with disapproval.
Ah, that was why she’d put me on the no-visit list.
Colt’s mouth dropped open, and he looked at me like I had some kind of superhero cape. “You did? You knew my uncle?”
“I did. He was the closest thing I had to a brother.” It was out before I could censor myself. “And no, I didn’t tell him, because I didn’t know if you’d want him to know,” I told Ella.
Her eyes slid shut for a second, and she sighed, so similar to Colt’s earlier motion, but not nearly as dramatic.
“I’m sorry for assuming,” she said softly. “And for his intrusion on your space. It won’t happen again.” That last part was aimed right at Colt.
He kicked slowly at the dirt beneath his feet.
“He didn’t bother me. In fact, it was an honor to meet you, Colt. If it’s okay with your mom, you’re always welcome to come visit Havoc. She really does love to play fetch, and I’m not sure if you noticed, but I’m getting kind of old to be throwing for her all the time.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re not old.” He cocked his head to the side. “But until you know what you are, I’m not sure you’re a grown-up, either.”
“Colt!” Ella sputtered.
I laughed, and she looked at me like I had two heads.
“It’s okay,” I assured her. “I told him, since I’m retiring, I’m not really a soldier, and I’m not sure what that makes me at the moment besides a permanent vacationer.”
“I’m still surprised you’re getting out. In my experience, special ops guys serve until they kick or carry you out.”
“Well, I’m on terminal leave, so in forty-five days it will be official.”
Her guard dropped for a moment, her shoulders softening. She looked at me like it was the first time she’d really seen me, and it was there again, the thickening of the air between us, the connection we’d shared since our first letters.
But I knew what it was, and she didn’t.
“You’re getting out because…” Her head tilted, so much like Colt’s.
“You know why.”
She stepped toward me unconsciously, her eyes scanning mine, searching for something that I was desperate to hand over but couldn’t. “You said you left because your best friend died. You got out for Ryan,” she concluded.
“For you.” The moment it was out of my mouth I wanted to suck it back in, erase the last five seconds in a do-over. “Because of what he asked,” I tried to clarify, but the damage was done.
She retreated, her shoulders tense. Those walls came back up, cramming miles of distance in the few feet that separated us.
“I think we’ve bothered you enough today. Colt, say thank you to Mr. Gentry for not being a psycho kidnapper, and let’s go.”
“Thank you for not being a psycho kidnapper,” he repeated.
“Anytime, bud. Like I said, if it’s okay with your mom, you’re welcome to come see Havoc again. She likes you.” And it would probably do a little good to get him out of the house every now and then.
Hope lit up his face like Christmas morning. “Please, Mom? Please?”
“Seriously? You’re already grounded from your quad for this stunt, and now you’d like privileges to come spend time with a stranger?”
His gaze flickered sorrowfully to his quad, then back to Ella. “He’s not really a stranger, though. If Uncle Ryan was his brother, he’s kinda family.”
And there went my heart for the third flop.
Family was a word I didn’t use and didn’t have. Family meant commitment, people whom you depended on—who could depend on you. Family was an utterly foreign concept, even with the unique brotherhood within our unit.
“We’ll talk about this later, Colt,” Ella said, rubbing the soft skin between her eyes.
“Later you’re leaving!”
Well, if that didn’t abruptly change the mood.
“I’m not leaving until the day after tomorrow. Now, get in the car, Colt. We’ll—”