friend time instead of alone time.” Katie began to feel a pressure build in her chest. She took a deeper breath, trying to relax.
“So, you chose to run with your friend, your partner. He’s important to you?”
“Of course.”
“I know that you told me that he had recently been involved in a shooting and that he spent time in the hospital.”
“Yes.” Katie readjusted herself on the couch. She wanted to run, unsure of where, but just run away. The feeling haunted her. The room seemed to shrink around her, making it difficult to breathe.
“How did it make you feel?” the doctor gently pushed.
Katie wasn’t sure how to answer. She had all kinds of feelings: discomfort, dread, fear, anxiety. What did the doctor really want to know? Feeling uncontrollable emotions were a part of everyday life for Katie. Anxious energy shuddered through her body.
Dr. Carver kept her eyes on Katie. She pushed again, “How did it make you feel when Deputy McGaven was shot and ended up in the hospital?”
“How do you think it made me feel?” Katie’s voice cracked slightly under the pressure. “I felt responsible. What if he…” She couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Died?”
“Yes. What if he had died?”
“You would feel responsible?”
“Of course.”
“Did you push McGaven to make the decision he did?” Her voice was calm and therapeutic.
The doctor’s calmness made Katie angry. She had no right to question how she had felt during the shooting incident. McGaven chose to follow Katie into a trap she had set up to draw out a killer. It had been his choice, but he had helped to save her life too.
“Katie, you know that you’re only responsible for yourself and not for the decisions that McGaven or others make.”
“Yes…” Katie pinched back tears. “But I’m involved. It’s what partners do. They have your back. I made an impulsive decision because I didn’t want anyone else to suffer the consequences…”
“You can’t carry the burden for everyone else… otherwise, there’s a breaking point. You can’t carry that. You have to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. To grieve when necessary. To give yourself a break.”
“You don’t understand. If the roles and situation were switched, I would have done the same thing for McGaven—without hesitation. And that’s… and that’s why it hurts so much. I’ve lost too many friends and family.” She leaned back and let tears roll down her cheeks. Grabbing a Kleenex from the table, she dabbed her eyes.
Cisco, feeling her change in energy, sat up and pushed even closer to her. He nuzzled the side of her face.
“Take a deep breath, Katie,” Dr. Carver said, never breaking from her calm and even tone.
“I’m sorry.” Katie was fighting to keep her emotions in check. “So, yes to your question. I feel responsible for McGaven being shot. I feel responsible for him being in that situation in the first place. I knew that he would be fine, but it dredged up so many situations. Such vivid recollections from the battlefield—like I’m still there. I saw death. I saw suffering. Too many times I was the last person a dying soldier saw before they passed. I cannot stop this endless loop of people I care for… dying…”
“You know that McGaven is fine. He’s alive. He’s well and he’s still your partner?”
It amazed Katie how unfazed Dr. Carver was by her outburst. The muscles in her face didn’t twitch. “Of course.”
“You must take one thing at a time—right?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not about your partner—that’s not why you came to see me—but it’s a good place to start. You work together. He’s your friend. Enjoy that. Let the heaviness of “what if” or “what might” because of previous experiences go. It will take time. Write down every uncomfortable thought you have—it will be helpful for you to read and look back on.”
“I know what you’re telling me is correct, but it doesn’t feel that way,” said Katie, feeling suddenly exhausted and wanting the day to be over.
“That’s okay,” she said. “Let the feelings come, and we can address them together, and then finally let them go. You will begin to feel better—I promise.”
“You make it sound easy.” Katie nervously laughed. “One, two, and three…”
“It isn’t,” the doctor said flatly. “But, I know you’re strong and I know you’ll get through this and move forward with a healthy attitude.”
Katie nodded. She knew that the doctor was using a recent situation as a gateway into the more deep-rooted and traumatic experiences that truly haunted her. Start small and then move to