The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,56
a jail cell, because I hit that motherfucker with a pool stick, and I’m gonna go back and kill him, if y’all don’t lock me up. I’m going to commit murder. I’m gonna go to the hood, get a gun, and I’m gonna kill that motherfucker.”
Police: “Ma’am, you need an ambulance. You are hurt.”
Then, the other policeman started pulling out his camera. Started taking pictures of my face and my throat. He asked to see my arms. They were all messed up, with cuts and scrapes.
Tiffany: “I didn’t even know that happened. Look, I’m gonna kill that motherfucker.”
Police: “Calm down. Are you hurting anywhere else?”
Tiffany: “My back hurt when he slammed me in the ground.”
Police: “Let me see your back.”
When they pulled my shirt up, it was all black and blue. They took pictures of that.
Then, they had an ambulance come. I got in an argument with the paramedics.
EMT: “We need to take you to the hospital.”
Tiffany: “No, I need to go to jail. ’Cause I’m gonna go crazy on this motherfucker. I’m fine.”
EMT: “Your blood pressure’s really high. You need to calm down.”
Tiffany: “I don’t give no fucks. I’m gonna kill this man.”
Finally the police decided to go to my house.
Police: “Look, we have to go see him. If he’s injured, if he has damage on him, then you may end up in jail.”
Tiffany: “You might as well take me there now. You might as well just start taking my fingerprints now, because I’mma kill that motherfucker.”
They took me to the hospital, and went to get him. The police told me later that he was in the house with the door wide open. He was sitting there with his shirt off, watching a football game. He knew they were coming. The police arrested him, ’cause all he had was one bite mark on his wrist. I don’t even remember biting him. He didn’t have no other marks on him. Nothing.
Tiffany: “No. I hit him with a pool stick, y’all. It should be a big ol’ bruise across his back. I hit him with that pool stick as hard as I could.”
Police: “Ma’am . . . he was fine.”
They arrested him. Then his whole family started calling me. They asked me to bail him out.
Mama: “He wants to know if you’ll bail him out.”
Tiffany: “I’m not bailing him out! No. I’m getting a restraining order and everything. You crazy if you think I’m finna bail him out.”
Then, the next day I was hurting so bad. My back, everything. I could barely walk.
I started bleeding like crazy. From my vagina. When the blood starting coming, I knew. I mean, I didn’t know I was pregnant before, but now I did. I was having a straight-up miscarriage. I don’t know if it was from the beating or the stress, but it happened.
I guess God decided to send me a real fucking clear sign this time, didn’t he?
That was pretty much the end of that. I filed for divorce and moved back into my old place.
Let’s just all pause here and take a breath. Maybe get a drink, rest up. Because the story is not done, and we about to dive back into some intensity.
• • •
OK, you rested? Here we go:
I left him, but I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with me, because I still wanted my husband back. Even though I had a restraining order and everything, it was still a part of me like, I think we can work through this.
My friend had the same reaction you are having: “Girl, you crazy. This motherfucker almost killed you. Leave him alone.”
I just thought . . . he had to see how much he hurt me. He saw how messed up I was. We had love. He’d never do that again. I know he can be a better person. We just got to get some counseling. We can get through this. We got to do this together. We just got to work together. No relationship is easy. It’s just work. We just gotta work at it.
I didn’t act on these thoughts. I just had them, all through the divorce (which was quick and easy and painless) and afterwards.
After the divorce . . . everything sucked.
I was single now, but I didn’t want to be out there dating. Dudes would try to talk to me, but I just wanted my husband. That’s all I wanted.
During this time that we were apart, his son went into foster care. Why that happened isn’t