The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,55
saw that and I knew. Before I even knew, I knew.
Tiffany: “Who is Lisa?”
Ex-Husband: “What are you talking about? You’re seeing things.”
Tiffany: “No. No. No. Who is Lisa, and why does she say you’ve been lying?”
Ex-Husband: “You tripping. You seeing things. Something wrong with your eyes.”
Tiffany: “Oh, now I’m blind?”
Ex-Husband: “You know you can’t read.”
Tiffany: “No, I can read now, and this says Lisa: ‘Why you be lying?’ ”
Ex-Husband: “No. You tripping.”
I grabbed the phone, and I started texting her: “Why?” She texts back in two seconds, like she’s a professional text messager.
Lisa: “Because you said you was giving me some money to get my nails and hair done tonight.”
I texted back, and I read my message out loud, “ ‘Well you know my wife be spending up my money.’ ”
As I texted that back, he got so mad. He grabbed me by the head and pushed my head into the window. He was trying to get the phone, and I was pulling the phone back.
Tiffany: “Nigga, what is wrong with you? Like what the fuck is wrong with you? What did I tell you about putting your motherfucking hands on me? Get your motherfucking hands off of me!”
Then he pulled over, and he took the phone from me.
Tiffany: “Why you don’t want her to know that your wife’s spending your money? What’s up with that? What’s up with that? What’s up with that? What’s up with that?”
When we black women repeat our words, you know shit is bad. Well, shit was bad.
Ex-Husband: “You need to shut the fuck up.”
Tiffany: “No. You need to shut the fuck up. I told you to keep your motherfucking hands off of me, and you put your hands on me, and you know what’s going to happen. When we get where we got to go, somebody’s getting their ass beat, and it ain’t going to be me.”
I poked him in the side of the head. When I poked him in the side of the head, he went ballistic.
Ex-Husband: “I’m not afraid to fight no one, and I’ll pull your ass out the car.”
Tiffany: “Pull me out the car, motherfucker.”
He waited until we got home, and then it was basically an MMA fight. Except he was big and trained in hand-to-hand combat by the police academy, and I was small and fighting for my life.
He choked me a bunch of times. I scratched at him, I ran from him, all of that. I hit him, but my punches didn’t do shit. He’s a big guy. I hit him as hard as I could with a pool stick a few times (I found that in the back of his car). He grabbed me by the throat and threw me into a shelf at one point. It was like being tossed around by the Incredible Hulk. I thought my eye socket was broke. My lip was busted. I was tore up.
I am glossing over all the details, because they don’t matter. The point was, the man whipped me. He beat my ass.
But now, shit was different. I was done taking this. I was ready to commit murder. I was ready to kill. I got in my car and left the house, and I drove to the police station.
First the police station was closed when I got there. I’m like, What the fuck? How can a police station be closed?
They had an emergency phone outside the front door, so I picked it up:
Operator: “Yes? May I help you?”
Tiffany: “I’m about to kill somebody. I’m about to commit motherfucking murder.”
Operator: “Excuse me?”
Tiffany: “I’m out here at the police station. Y’all need to lock me up, because I’m about to kill my husband. If y’all don’t lock me up right now, there’s gonna be a dead body.”
Operator: “Where are you?”
Tiffany: “I’m outside the police station, so y’all could lock me up, ’cause I’m about to make a murder.”
Operator: “Don’t go anywhere. I’m gonna have one of the officers come out.”
The policeman comes out.
Police: “Ma’am, what happened to you? Are you okay?”
Tiffany: “I’m fine. I’m just fine.”
Police: “Do you need us to call you an ambulance?”
Tiffany: “No, I’m just fine. I’m about to go make murder.”
Police: “You’re gonna what?”
Tiffany: “Make a murder.”
Police: “Okay. Calm down. Tell us what happened.”
So I tell him and his partner what happened. The whole time, they were looking me up and down.
Police: “Okay . . . you do realize that you’re very damaged?”
Tiffany: “I am fine. I am just fine. I’m telling you, you need to put me in