The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,47

later, he calls me up out of nowhere. I remembered who he was immediately. We talked for a second, but I was curious how he found me.

Ex-Husband: “Tiffany, I been looking for you for five years. I’m so excited to talk to you again.”

Tiffany: “Well if you wanted to talk to me, why didn’t you look me up sooner?”

Ex-Husband: “I couldn’t spell your last name. Then I saw you on Bill Bellamy’s Who’s Got Jokes? and I saw I was spelling your name wrong.”

Tiffany: “Yeah, but my number ain’t listed.”

Ex-Husband: “Yeah, I know. I got your phone number from a dude I know who works at Sprint. I’m police, that’s easy.”

After he told me everything he did to find me, I asked him:

Tiffany: “If you could find me, maybe you could find my dad?”

Ex-Husband: “Oh, I’ll find your daddy for you, but it’s going to cost you.”

Tiffany: “I’ll pay you whatever you want. Whatever you want, I’ll pay you.”

In my mind, I’m thinking I’ll give him a couple hundred dollars, maybe a couple of dates or something. That’s it. Then he’s like:

Ex-Husband: “Well, I want you to marry me.”

I just start busting up laughing, but he was serious.

Ex-Husband: “Tiffany, I’m telling you, I want you to marry me. I’ve been watching this video I found, you know, when we was on the boat. Every time I’m sad, I watch you. You make me happy. I don’t even really know you, but you’ve made me happy over the years. When I’ve had arguments with my girlfriends, I put in our little cruise video, and it just, you know, it makes me happy. I know we weren’t on the cruise together, but you were my whole cruise.”

I thought it was so cute, but I still wanted to see if he was serious.

Tiffany: “Well, I don’t know. If you find my dad, then maybe we could talk about that.”

Ex-Husband: “I’m going to find your dad.”

I know what you’re saying right now, because it’s what everyone says at this point in the story:

“That didn’t creep you out?”

No motherfucker, it did not!

Now you’re probably asking, “Why not?”

That’s how you know I’m crazy. Because I literally thought that this call was a sign from God. I thought God had answered my prayers. Just two months before, I was praying to God every day:

“Please send me a man that love me. That care about me. That want to see me flourish. That want to just be there for me, and support me, and do what I want to do. Like just really want me to be happy. Please send me somebody like that.”

Then boom, I get this phone call. I was like, What? Damn God, you work fast. And he gonna find my dad? You awesome, God, I’m in.

I didn’t tell him much about my dad, because I don’t know much. I just knew my dad’s name, his birthday, and where he came from.

Three weeks went by . . . and my dad called me.

For like ten years, I had been trying to reach him. I’d been looking for him since I was sixteen. I did not think he would find him. And this dude straight found my daddy in three weeks.

I was crying, because I recognized the voice immediately. He started telling me stuff about my family, that only the family would know.

After the call, my mind went racing. God or not, I thought to myself, Damn, I’m not really going to honor this. I can’t really marry this dude. I don’t even remember what he looks like.

He had a Myspace page, and his picture on his Myspace page was so damn little, you couldn’t see what this motherfucker looked like. I called him up, still crying after talking to my dad.

Tiffany: “Man I’m so grateful. You found him. I don’t know if I can honor our agreement. I don’t even remember what you really look like. The pictures you got online is wack.”

Ex-Husband: “We going to see each other. We going to see each other.”

I didn’t believe him. He was across the country from me.

We still kept talking on the phone. I booked a movie in New Orleans like the next day, and two weeks after that I was in New Orleans.

I always talked to him on the phone, but I never told him where I was in New Orleans. I never told him what hotel, the name of the movie, or anything.

At that point in time, I was very superstitious. It was mainly because