The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,46

to the same cruise I was, and he wanted to take a cab with me there.

But I had Titus, and I wasn’t all that into this guy. But he was a policeman, and I thought, This will be a good friend to have. It’s always good to have police friends, especially black police, because there aren’t a lot of them.

You already read about all the nonsense that went on with Titus. Well, I left some details out of that story, because I knew I was going to tell them here. Part of the reason Titus was so upset was because of Ex-Husband.

This dude was straight following me around the cruise the whole time. Like everywhere I was at, he was there. And he always had a video camera filming everything. Like I was singing karaoke, he was filming that. I would be in like a shuffleboard contest, he’s filming that. Ping-Pong, he was filming that. We was swimming in the pool, me and my boyfriend, like hugging on each other, he’s filming that.

Titus got in an argument with me, started yelling and cursing at me, because this man was following me around with a camera.

Titus: “Are you fucking this guy? Why is this guy following you everywhere with the goddam camera? Who the fuck is this?”

I think Ex-Husband even got that on camera. He filmed the argument!

Now, obviously he wasn’t standing there filming us like a camera crew would do. That would have been really weird. I wasn’t even positive he was filming us, he was sneaky about it. He was always around with his boy and their camera, but I thought maybe he was just filming his vacation. This was back when people did that shit. Everybody was walking around with cameras. Everybody was filming everything. In 2001, that shit was normal.

It all came to a head when I was in the cruise talent show. I was singing James Brown’s “Sex Machine,” and man, I was into it. I was kinda drunk, so I was gettin’ sexy, yelling into the mic, all of that. The crowd loved it.

Titus was in the crowd, and I guess he was getting all anxious about me being sexy, so he runs up to me and throws a jacket around my shoulders, like James Brown.

Then Ex-Husband runs up and throws his boxers and a key to his cabin on the stage. I am serious, the dude took his boxers off somehow, and then threw them onstage.

Well, that changed the whole dynamic.

Titus was hella mad. But he wasn’t even man enough to yell at Ex-Husband. He just yelled at me!

Titus: “You fucking him?”

Tiffany: “I didn’t even ask that man to do any of that, he just did it himself!”

Titus: “You fucking him, ain’t you? Where you fucking him at?”

Tiffany: “Why don’t you go ask him?”

Now mind you, Titus came on the boat with $50, so he’s highly intimidated. Basically, he’s intimidated by Ex-Husband because the dude has a job. And like, money from that job.

Then everywhere we went, Ex-Husband was always trying to do stuff for me. Trying to buy me a drink in the casino. Trying to buy me stuff at the port.

Then Ex-Husband came up to me at the end of the cruise, with Titus standing right there:

Ex-Husband: “Maybe we can exchange numbers or something. I live in Georgia, but you know, I’ll call you.”

Then Titus be over here talking shit. TO ME! He pulled me aside, yelling at me.

Tiffany: “Why you bitching at me? You don’t even say, ‘Hey man, that’s my girl.’ Or whatever, and you want to cuss me out, like yelling at me?”

Titus: “No, you talk to this motherfucker. I’ve been avoiding them, you tell them. That’s your job.”

Tiffany: “Fuck you. You acting like a bitch.”

I pulled away and gave the dude my number. Titus was pissed off, but you know what, I was pretty much done with him.

Besides, he lived in Georgia. I wasn’t never going to see this dude, anyway. I gave him my number mainly because Titus was being such a pussy. We ended up talking on the phone maybe once a month or so. One day I was just like, “Man, you’re old.” He was like thirty-two. I was like, “You’re too old for me,” and I hung up.

I ended up changing my number, and I moved and all this stuff, and I didn’t even think about him enough to update him. So then he couldn’t find me, and I forgot about him mostly.

Five years