The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,21

and give you some background. Black College Reunion was like when all the salmon go upstream to spawn, and they squirting mating juices everywhere—that was basically Black College Reunion. Except with more DMX playing in the background.

But me and my friend Shamona, we thought we were better than that. We were the girls there who acted real uppity and classy. When dudes tried to talk about “Shake that ass!” we’d be like, “Ugh! Buy us drinks!” We were real snobby, talking about how we didn’t do that stuff . . . but of course we went to Black College Reunion knowing what it was.

So we weren’t any different, we just fooled ourselves.

I talked with them for a while, and as we were boarding, Titus saw me use my employee pass.

Titus: “Oh, you work for that airline?”

Tiffany: “Yeah, I work for them.”

Titus: “Oh, that’s crazy, I work for an airline too. Where you work at?”

Tiffany: “LAX.”

Titus: “I work at LAX, too!”

Tiffany: “That’s cool.”

Titus: “Hey, you smoke weed?”

Tiffany: “No, I do not smoke weed. I don’t do stuff like that.”

Titus: “Oh . . . well, I do.”

Tiffany: “How you smoking weed and working for the airline? They drug test me.”

Titus: “There’s ways to get around that.”

That exchange basically sums up Titus. Sneaky and small-time.

• • •

Anyway, we talked all the way to LA. I remember in that first conversation, all the red flags were there. The dude lived with his mama, even though he was twenty-one and had a job! I should have run, but I was twenty and dumb.

We exchanged numbers, and we started talking and stuff. Just like friends or whatever. But basically, nothing was happening at all. So one day, I just laid it out.

Tiffany: “Look, I’m kinda talking to somebody. If you’re not trying to be, like, my man, ain’t really no reason for us to even be hanging out or whatever.”

Titus: “What? We ain’t even kissed or nothing!”

Tiffany: “Yeah, but I’m just saying. If you’re trying to be my man, then you need to let me know, because I kinda like somebody.”

And so then, he stepped it up a notch and took me on dates, and we started making out and shit. He introduced me to his mom, his sisters, the granny, everybody. I liked everybody, and they liked me. I introduced him to my siblings.

So we started being serious and being together all the time. We eventually got our work schedules matched up, so we’d be at work at the same time. Then we’d leave, we’d go places, and we basically did everything together.

He’d always be everywhere I went. He was around me so much, my cousins starting calling him “Tag-along.” Other than that nickname, there ain’t even anything funny or interesting to write about the first eight months of our relationship. It was a normal, early twenties relationship.

But then he met a pimp, and everything changed.

I can’t remember his name, but he looked exactly like the rapper Suga Free. This pimp, Fake Suga Free, had two hoes. I remember the girls, too. They was nasty.

After Titus started hanging around him, one day we got to talking.

Titus: “You know, I could probably be a pimp.”

Tiffany: “What? You ain’t no damn pimp! You’re a baggage handler!”

Titus: “I dunno. Fake Suga Free thinks I could do it.”

Tiffany: “Why you hanging out with that guy? You’re not a pimp, you’re a baggage handler. And I like that about you. I like that when you come home from work, you smell like luggage. I like men who smell like their work. It means they have a job.”

Titus: “Pimping is a job.”

Tiffany: “I DON’T WANT MY MAN SMELLING LIKE A PACK OF HOES!”

Titus: “Yeah, but I could probably make more money pimping.”

Tiffany: “Yeah, but you could also end up in jail. And what if you get, like, bad hoes? Then you’ll lose money. It don’t make sense.”

He dropped it for a while. Then he got fired from his job with the airline.

Titus: “I’m finna go to full-time pimping.”

Tiffany: “If you finna be a pimp, I’m finna be outta here.”

Titus: “Okay, fine . . . I won’t be no pimp.”

So he got a new job working in a cosmetics factory, boxing makeup.

But he became real distant. We weren’t hanging out all the time like we used to. For example, I would drop him off at work, and then I was supposed to pick him up. Then he wouldn’t call me to pick him up, and I didn’t know what he was getting