The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,20

of trash, though. When she got tired, I just started jetting over to the dumpster, and I threw the bag of trash in the dumpster.

Once I got the trash in the dumpster, she tackled me and beat me up again by the dumpster.

Tiffany: “Mom, I just want to take you shopping with my money. This is crazy.”

Mama: “Fuck you. I hate you. I hate you, Renee.”

She started calling me Renee, which is the woman who my stepdad was cheating on her with.

Mama: “I hate you, Renee. I fucking hate you. I should kill you, but I’m not. I’m gonna let you suffer. I’m gonna let you fucking suffer.”

She just walked away and went towards the Walmart. Like nothing happened.

At the front of the Walmart, there was a man in a wheelchair, the greeter. He’s probably a veteran, and he’s missing legs, and he’s Mexican. He had one of those big mustaches and a Walmart shirt on, and he said, “Welcome to Walmart.”

My mom spat on him.

Mama: “Your people make me vomit. I hate your burritos and everything. You make me vomit.”

She hocked another loogie and spat in his face.

Once she spat on him, she continued to walk through the Walmart. Like nothing happened.

I was shocked. I tried to apologize to that man, but he was in shock, too.

Then and only then, did the police show up. They showed up immediately after that. Like, not even five minutes later.

I was getting my ass beat in the parking lot for forty-five minutes, and nobody came to help. But they immediately showed up when she spat on this Walmart employee.

The police came, and she started sprinting away from them, so they started chasing her. She ran out of the Walmart, into the actual mall, and they followed and chased her around the mall. It was crazy.

She is a big woman, and she was straight sprinting from the police. I didn’t know what to think, except, damn, I did NOT know she could move like that.

They eventually caught her. I was following right behind them:

Tiffany: “That’s my mom. Please don’t hurt my mom. That’s my mom. Please don’t hurt my mom.”

But she started struggling with them. It took six police to get her subdued. They had to hog-tie her. They tied up her ankles, and they made her legs connect like shackles, you know? Nobody wants to see their parents like that.

Mama: “Tiffany, this is all your fault. I could have been at my house, counting my shit. Tiffany, this is your fault. This is your fucking fault.”

Tiffany: “Mama, it’s not my fault. Why did you spit on that poor man?”

Mama: “I fucking hate you, Tiffany. I fucking hate you. This is all your fault. All your fucking fault.”

They took her to the hospital. They ran her file and stuff.

Police: “Oh, she’s a mental patient.”

Tiffany: “She’s not a criminal. I’ve been telling you this for an hour!”

Now remember, my lip was bleeding. My eyes were swollen, my ribs were hurting, and everything.

Police: “Who did that to you?”

Tiffany: “My mom did, but no, I do not want to press charges. I just want her to get help. She just needs help. She needs the right doctors.”

She went into a mental institution then. She has been in and out, ever since.

Titus the Boyfriend

I’ve had some messed up relationships, but none were more fucked up than my time with Titus.

I met him in 2001, when I was coming back to LA from Daytona Beach. My friend Shamona and I had gone to the Black College Reunion, which was the new name for Freaknik (if you’re young, you probably don’t know what Freaknik is, and I’m not even sure if you can YouTube that shit, it was that long ago. So go ask some old person, and they’ll tell you all about it).

I was waiting at the gate to board, and I looked at this guy who was watching a video with his homeboy. They had one of them old school handheld video cameras (this was before iPhones), and they were hunched together watching the tiny screen. I looked over their shoulders to watch, too.

The video was basically a black Girls Gone Wild. It was chicks shaking they asses and twerking, and the guys were smacking asses and grabbing booties, and all this stuff.

Tiffany: “Ooh, you guys had a good time, huh? Y’all had a blast.”

They whipped around, looking scared, like they been caught . . . and then we all started laughing.

Now, let me pause real quick,