Rider took another fast sip, but his hand was shaking as he brought the flask away from his mouth.
"I'm done. But a lotta guys in here aren't. They still want that. And, Mar, you've got a whole team of young bucks about to be all screwed up like Damali is now. Me and Mike, we're older, and can hang. We've crossed the line and ain't sitting up at night thinking about a future wife and kids and shit."
"Oh... Rider... but, you said in Hell... in the battle... why would being there - "
He chuckled sadly. "In all the places in the universe, where you'd least expect to see it - I'da lost that bet, if you'da told me. It's a man thing, and Marlene, you definitely wouldn't understand."
"Try me," she whispered, her voice tense with worry. "Because, Rider, I really need to know how to heal this team, if possible."
"You can't fix this, Marlene. That's what we all know, and what's f**king up every man in here." He began slowly pacing, raking his fingers through his hair, looking at the floor, his voice so thick with emotion that she almost couldn't hear him.
"All right. Here we are, Mar, strapped to the nines, standing in the middle of a battle. Shells flying, f**king demons everywhere, green gook exploding, all-out mortal combat... a damned master vampire in our midst, serious battle hazard close by, adrenaline kickin' like a mo'fo, everybody in there ready to go down, knowing any of us could at any time... the priest's squad is getting slaughtered, we had to do some of our own to keep them from turning, got a Neteru going through changes... dragging bloody wounded that's drawing Hell sharks, almost out of ammo. Rivera had a firestorm coming his way, was hungry, exhausted, and should have used all twelve of us that were left standing to feed." Rider looked up at her. "We were in Hell, Marlene. Right? We weren't in Kansas, Dorothy."
She could only nod and stare back at him.
"If he'd snapped our necks, tranced her out, and fed well, he would have had enough energy to transport her out of there and start a damned empire." Rider paused, letting the silence in the kitchen envelop them. "But he didn't, did he?"
Rider pulled a hair out of his head fast with two fingers and thrust it toward Marlene. "The line of choice made within seconds was as thin as this," he said, gesturing with his hand, "and could have gotten snatched in the wrong direction as fast as I just pulled this hair out of my head, Mar. And the one who had the fragile balance of choice was a damned guardian that had turned. A male vampire. Not just our Neteru. If the dude had decided differently..."
Rider sucked in a shaky breath. "I done seen a lot of battle, Mar, but even for me, that was deep. In seconds he could have done us and saved himself, and took a bride."
"Oh... Shit..."
"Right." Rider nicked away the hair and crossed his arms over his chest, biceps bulging as his body tensed. He looked down at the flask he was clasping with disdain.
"Rivera begged her to leave him, made us pull her out while she was ovulating, turned around and watched our backs - not just hers, but the whole family, just because we mattered to her. Fought on low fuel, and got f**ked by whatever was coming through the tunnels. Just for her. Even if he wanted her away from the battle zone, he could have snatched one of us to feed on just to even his odds and perhaps save his own ass - but he didn't."
Rider held Marlene's gaze captive, his expression grave. "We all saw love transcend Hell, Marlene. Saw the most advanced predator in the demon food chain give up a prize that he'd battled another master for, and won... just so the girl could live a normal life topside. That shit right there would give any man pause... will make you reevaluate your entire existence. And, if you're a believer, it'll make you have a loooong conversation with the man upstairs about all the shit you've done wrong."
He nodded and took another swig from his flask when Marlene closed her eyes.
"Will make you argue with Him about justice, too," Rider said, renewed rage at the unfairness of it all keeping his voice a low rumble. "Rivera was one of ours, wasn't supposed to turn - definitely wasn't supposed to go out like that. And we had to leave him, just because of what he was. But judging by the way the man fought... yeah, he was one of ours. By rights, who knows, maybe we shoulda stayed? That's part of what's tumbling around in that girl's brain, just like it's tumbling around in all of ours, causing survivor's guilt, too." Rider saluted Marlene with his flask. "Respect. He went out with honor. Just like a guardian. This is man-type shit, Marlene. Don't try to figure it out or heal it. This conversation stays A and B."
He glanced at her again as he moved to the kitchen door. "Shabazz got a second chance to get out of prison and find somebody, I got a second chance not to die... Mike got a second chance not to die梬e all did, so did you. That's why we're here."
"I know, but Rider, the kids have time."
"The young bucks on the team never even got a shot off," he said, pure frustration in his voice that turned into bitter defeat. "Where's Rivera's get-out-of-jail-free redemption pass, huh? Where's Damali's? Where the f**k is Jose's? Dan and JL ain't even smelled love, let alone felt it - and in here, under these circumstances, they probably won't. Our entire younger level will not replace itself, won't heal. This shit is not right, Mar, and that's why the team's not right. The trinity of energy is the masthead that broke, Mar, when this crap broke our girl's back and we had to watch it. We won the battle down there, but the dark side is winning the war - our spirits ain't right. Everybody is losing faith. Hope... shit, that's history. Love," he said, shaking his head, "is really f**ked up for almost everybody around here. Not even a possibility. If we saw those two connect, woulda gave the rest of us hope, renewed faith, and maybe a little encouragement to keep looking for the one."
"Rider," she said, her voice as gentle as she could make it, "in time... with patience..."
"Whatever. All I know is, I'ma kill Rivera for dying on my watch in front of my team. Every man, not just guardians, I mean regular average Joes, are searching for his own Neteru, Mar, even though we're human." He looked at her, his eyes hard. "Every man is looking for the one that will make him walk through fire."
Marlene closed her eyes and continued to lean against the sink. What was there to tell the man? Shabazz wouldn't even talk about it. Now she understood why. Double survivor's guilt... he'd made it out alive, and still had a life mate. As a blessed man, he was grieving his heart out for his brothers, knowing they didn't have what he did, but he couldn't fix it. Shabazz always had profound philosophy, wisdom to impart. But, this time, there were no words he could offer. They'd isolated him from their grief, he couldn't share their pain over a beer - it would be like a wealthy man telling a homeless person he understood his pain, not credible... salt in the wound.
Her soul was so heavy that she couldn't even cry. It took another male to explain what even a mother-seer couldn't see. And damn it, it all made so much sense now why her lover wouldn't come to bed with her at night, or touch her in the compound with the other guardians still home. It was beyond worry for Damali. It was beyond post-battle trauma or introspection. The family was disintegrating around them.
Her voice was just a slow whisper as she formed words to respond to Rider's truth. Didn't matter that it was. Rider was already gone. So she spoke to the empty kitchen.
"Oh, God, it isn't fair. I know."
Chapter Four
Tijuana, 45 miles into the Mexican desert, right after the battle in Hell
Carlos lay motionless against the cool earth. Only a whisper of existence flickered within him as his disoriented mind replayed the outcome of the vampire civil war. A travesty. A variable. Destiny was laughing. He could only hope that Fate's cruel sense of humor had spared his woman. At twenty-one years old, Damali Richards didn't deserve to go out like that. Yet, who would have thought he'd be made into a vampire at twenty-three? Way before Damali learned that she was a vampire huntress she'd been right; there were worse things than death.
He had heard his own bones snapping and flesh ripping, his cries echoing in the caverns of Hell as he fought off the attack. His body had suffered carnage, but it had also temporarily kept the Minion forces at bay. With all that he had to give her, he'd put himself between his kind and her humanity. That he had been turned into a creature of the night was moot; she was made of living, mortal flesh, and still had a soul. It was the last gift he could give her: protection, and a chance to escape.