"I know. Shabazz ain't exactly right, either - "
"But I bet his ass sleeps at night!"
Rider walked a hot path between the sink and the door, took a hard swallow of liquor, and glared at Marlene. She just stared at him, keeping her voice a murmur as she spoke to him, trying to heal him while not addressing what he'd said about Shabazz. It was the truth, and it suddenly disturbed her. She and Shabazz had been the first ones to shake off the grief, and she'd chalked it up to the fact that they were the elder guardians in the group.
But as she studied Rider's very personal reaction to Damali's inner pain, she wondered why. Something didn't jive. Rider had been in battles before; they'd lost crew before. All of them loved Damali like a daughter or a sister, except Jose, who perhaps felt something more. And they'd all seen Damali bounce back, too. But that Rider's head was so twisted about the incident, horrible though it was, gave her pause.
"Rider," she said, her voice as gentle as she could make it, "my third eye is nearly blind. All I get is impressions, no sharp images. We've all got a lot on our minds. As long as the masthead of the ship is broken, we have no way to raise sails. We're dead in the water until her aura lifts, the gray goes out of it. We're all connected, Rider, that's why I keep saying, 'I know.'"
Marlene sighed when he didn't respond but took another drink from his flask, glowering at her. "If you take the fellas to a hangout, go find some entertainment, bring back lighter energy... who knows? You have to shake the horrible images you saw down in the pit, maybe it will help her?" She had to give him something constructive to do. Rider had no patience, never did.
Rider looked out the window. "It wasn't the horrible images that we saw that are messing us up, Mar. It's the beautiful ones that are a bitch."
She studied his back. "Talk to me." A shiver ran down her spine.
"You're the seer of this group, and if you didn't see it, then your senses must really be off big-time... I guess I can't be mad at you for being so blind. Third eye or not, you have no frame of reference and like all of us, you're human." His tone became gentler, resigned, as though beaten down by sudden fatigue. "My bad, Mar. I'm just rambling. We all take everybody's skills for granted, and we've just gotten used to you being the all-seeing Marlene with the answers. I'm sorry. That's not fair. I'm going to bed."
She stood and came to him, resting her hand on his shoulder so he wouldn't leave. "Rider?"
"You wouldn't understand - you have Shabazz." He looked at her; his voice was gravelly but held no judgment or sarcasm in it. "You and Shabazz are the only guardians on the team that have paired up. We saw it in Hell."
"What are you talking about?" Her hand left his shoulder and her arms went around her waist. He was scaring her. "We fought just as hard as anyone down there. You think because he and I are paired that we would have let any of you get harmed without a fight, would have saved ourselves and let you fellas die?" She was incredulous.
Tears filled her eyes. Rider's accusation had hurt her to the bone. She flinched away from him when he reached to cup her cheek.
"No, Mar. You read me wrong."
She began to slowly relax, watching his pained expression and the quick moisture that had formed in his eyes. The way he looked at her made her nervous to hear the raw truth for the first time since the team had come together. That terrible seesaw of emotion was further eclipsing her ability to read him. She practically held her breath as she waited for him to explain.
"There comes a point in every man's life, Mar, where he wakes up and doesn't want a gorgeous thing that dances the pole beside him. It ain't enough. Feeds the body, but doesn't feed the soul." His eyes held hers and he kept his voice gentle as he pushed a stray lock over her shoulder and sighed. "Comes a point where you just don't want an easily interchangeable somebody, you want a woman who you'll call by name... who you'll, as a man, walk through the fire for... will lay down your life for, if you have to."
He shook his head and walked away from her, raking his fingers through his tousled hair. "Mike saw it, and the big guy is done with New Orleans's finest. Jose saw it, and... he's messed up. He came close to having that with Dee Dee, even though I suspect she was never the real McCoy - but at least the boy had hope. Dan saw it, and knows that at his age, living like this, he can't bring anybody home and set up housekeeping. JL saw it, and wigged." He eyed Marlene carefully, but there was no malice in his expression. "JL headed right for the casinos. And, if I were a bettin' man, I'd say he took a month's salary to the blackjack table to double-down on a way out."
"What..." Marlene's voice caught in her throat on a horrified whisper.
"Yep. Was probably trying to figure out how to win enough to finance then set up a small safe house with every piece of electronic-surveillance and high-tech weapons-launching gizmos available, so if he did find somebody - "
"Oh, no..." Marlene closed her eyes. "I thought he was just letting off steam, like you guys always do after a battle."
Rider shook his head. "Why you think JL got in trouble, couldn't concentrate, when of all the guardians, save you and Shabazz, JL has laser focus? That's why he's our equipment man, our weapons' room expert. Have you seen him tinkering with his gadgets and computers lately?" He paused and waited for Marlene's nonverbal response. "My point, exactly. He just takes his post, stares at the monitors, looking right through them, and then goes to bed at daybreak." Rider took a slow swallow of Jack Daniels and then let his breath out hard. "The only brother that's straight in here is Shabazz."
Marlene felt for the side of the sink and found it so she could lean against it to keep herself from falling down. It was all so clear, and she'd been so blind. It wasn't just Damali who was grieving, or the team just grieving for her...
Rider nodded, his lopsided smile holding hollow triumph. "You following me? These guys are all reevaluating their entire lives. It wasn't the demons they saw and killed. It wasn't Damali's battery going down from grief. They are grieving their choice to become guardians, because after the adrenaline subsided, and they had time to think, their reality is f**king them up. Won't be no wife and kids. Won't be no regular life. Nobody special, and unless she comes packing with ammo, she's shark bait - and they know it. They also know, for the first time, having visited Hell, just how helpless they are to protect a regular woman, especially after coming so close to losing a Neteru on their watch. The whole thing spooked 'em, and f**ked them around good."
He looked away from Marlene, studying the sun. "I've accepted my fate... did when Tara turned. I don't even take myself there anymore - which is why I watch the ladies dance the poles, indulge myself stupid, and numb any useless thought when I start going down memory lane."
"Rider, you've gotta stop drinking... and if the guys are looking for real life-mates, they won't find them in the clubs or hoochie bars, brother." She wasn't scolding him. Her voice was filled with so much hurt for him and the others that it was hard to speak.
He chuckled and kept his gaze on the horizon. "Solves a short-term male problem. But the fact that that's getting old... hey. The long-term solution is very complicated. My boys and I are caught between a rock and a hard place," he said, his chuckle hollow and waning. "Literally. And this shit is gonna go on for the next twenty-five years. Might as well tell these boys to join up with Father Pat's Covenant. They've accepted their fate, too, for different reasons. But, hey, a monk is a monk."
She was going to walk toward him, but thought better of it. He needed space. So, instead, she spoke softly, trying to dispense hope and healing with her words. "Somebody will come along for each guardian... I mean..." Her own lack of confidence in what she was saying just made the sentence trail off. What could she say?
"You got a vision, a bead on this, Mar? A gut hunch? Or are you just trying to make this old warrior feel better?"
It took her too long to answer him. They both knew she wouldn't lie straight to his face. All she could do was shake her head. "My visions have been off... I haven't specifically seen... but that doesn't mean - in the future, it may not have materialized yet, but - "
"Ain't your fault. Even you can't conjure up what's not out there." He took another swig and winced. "I already found my somebody once and lost her to a vampire turn. That was it for me. Had a name I used to call, don't want the heartbreak of losing another one. I know what the girl is going through, Mar. But Damali never even got to..."