"No, don't be sorry, Mar." Damali shook her head and pushed a stray lock off Marlene's shoulder. "Momma eagle, you have flown through storms, hunted and brought back food for the nest, and battled in the wilderness. It is dangerous out there, and I'm so new ... just floating on air ... while you have the eagle eyes that know there's a storm coming, there's a cliff nearby, fierce beasts in the night, and you did what you knew, screeched a warning for me to get back to the nest. Your eyes and instincts are still good, Marlene. Know that I respect that. Please."
Marlene chuckled again softly, wiping at her own tears as she broke Damali's hold to do so. "Then why did we both go blind for a moment... especially after that show in Philadelphia? That scared me, baby. And we haven't been on the same page since."
Damali stared at Marlene.
"It's like my gift is waning as yours strengthens ... and it's the same with the rest of the group. But your gifts are so new and so untested that the warnings come in fits and starts - and I'm concerned about the times when your sensors are down - you understand?"
Chapter Eighteen
"Am I dredging you guys?" Horrified at the concept, Damali stood and began to pace. "What if I'm siphoning the group of its energy?"
"No," Marlene said quickly. "This is the natural order of things. You are getting stronger, our perceptions are dimming - not because you are a drain, but because you are coming to a point where you have to be able to make decisions, come to conclusions on your own. Our job has always been to protect and guide you until you come of age. We'll maintain our gifts in the long run, but while you are in this delicate transition, we cannot overpower your perceptions, your realities ... your spirit. You must be your own guide." Marlene stood and went to the window.
"All of us are wondering, did she get lesson one-o-one? Did we transfer enough knowledge, did her mind absorb the concepts, what did we forget to teach her ... what took root, what was left behind? Panicked, we started retracing our steps, going over the basics - things you already knew - not because you weren't sure, but because we aren't sure. I know it pisses you off. But we're bugging because we see a storm brewing and just want to know, will our baby be safe, will she be able to hunt on her own - and if she faces deadly challenges, will she make the right choice?" Marlene turned and looked at Damali with firm love in her eyes.
"Baby, every parent on the planet asks themselves this, and they quietly freak when it's time to let go and let God. Not just slayer guardians. It comes with the serve and protect cross to bear that all parents have invisibly on their shoulders. But in the end, we have to let go. We all hold our collective breaths when the time comes. Then we all beat ourselves up if our beloved child stumbles and falls... and we cringe at our own legacy of human error wondering if we had been more perfect, more righteous, could we have helped our child avoid a fall."
"Deep ..." Damali's murmur trailed off as the impact of the burden became so clear. She thought it was all Neteru-related drama, but suddenly she could understand how most of this was pure love - and would not have been any different if she was just a normal young woman. She raked her fingers through her locks and let her breath out hard.
Marlene immediately let her breath out with a soft sigh, following Damali's exhale of epiphany.
"Truth is, we never know." Marlene held Damali in her gaze again and searched her face. "Baby, I don't know if my own mistakes will be a part of your legacy. I don't know if, or what, I could have done better. That's it - I'm human,imperfect, I have issues... and God help me, I never "wanted to visit those things on you - so I tried to hide them. Just remember that, okay? No matter how all this goes down."
Marlene turned away as a sob caught in her throat. She covered her mouth with her hand and closed her eyes. "What could I have done? What have I left undone? That's the nagging question that drives a mother crazy - what if?"
Damali crossed the room, wrapping her arms around Marlene as she rested her chin on Marlene's shoulder and rocked her.
"Mom - Marlene," Damali said. "You gave me everything that you could. Now I have to figure this out for myself."
Marlene's hand touched Damali's and she squeezed it. "You called me Mom," she whispered.
Turning Marlene to face her, Damali traced Marlene's tears with her finger. "Because, by any definition, that's who you are to me. You have given me everything you had to give, all from a good place in your heart. Don't you think I know what you're afraid of most? That I'll get bitten."
Marlene smiled. "I guess you would. You have the eyes, too. I just don't want you to ever hate me for the choices I've made, or had to make."
"I know you are not the enemy," Damali said tenderly. "I'm afraid of what's out there, too. I'm no fool."
Both women chuckled and held hands in quiet contemplation.
"Let's start again," Damali said in a soft tone, as she gazed at Marlene's accepting expression. "Me and you on the same team. I won't promise to do everything you say carte blanche - but how about if I listen while you teach me tonight?"
Again, Marlene chuckled. But this time the sound that came from her was richer, deeper, more at ease. "You want to know how to know when," Marlene said with a smile. "If I knew that answer, I'd book myself on Oprah and be done with the music scene. You know she's retiring in 2006."
They both giggled and shook their heads and sat on the edge of Damali's bed.
"You think I'm bad - wait till you have kids," Marlene teased. "A momma that can hear everything, smell everything, can see in the dark and carries a blade - man, I pity your kids already! You wait."
Damali laughed hard with Marlene; the thought of finding herself in the same position years later, however, trailed off her laughter. Damn, this was some deep shit.
"You know, Mar, I hadn't even gone there. You might have to visit me in prison for staking some poor heavy-breathing teen-
ager who was trying to push up on my daughter."
"See, it ain't so funny, is it?" Marlene smiled.
"No," Damali admitted. "Not in the least. The predicament is a trip."
"Uhmmm, hmmm ..."