flash of anger. ‘No. Not because my mum died. Because you lied. Because you cheated me out of five thousand pounds, you fucker. That’s why we ended.’ I push him in the chest, hard. I only come up to his shoulder but he still stumbles backwards.
He steadies himself, his face shocked. I hardly ever lose my temper. Placid Una. A walkover. But not any more. A few people at the bar turn to stare at us. ‘Jesus, Una. Calm down.’
‘What are you going to do? Grab me around the throat,’ I lower my voice so that it’s more of a hiss, ‘like before?’
His face goes grey and when he speaks it’s more of a whisper. ‘I’m … I’ll never forgive myself for that.’
I take a deep breath. I will not lose control in front of him again. I won’t show him how much he frightened me that day. How I really thought he was going to hurt me. I didn’t think he was capable of that kind of anger. ‘Look,’ I say, trying to keep my voice even, ‘it doesn’t matter. Not any more. I just want my money back.’
‘And I’ve promised I’ll give it back.’
I stare at him. There is so much I want to say. But what’s the point? I move away from him to go and find Courtney.
‘Great to see you and Vince getting along,’ Courtney shouts in my ear, later, while the band are playing. We’re standing to the side by the toilets, jigging along to the music and sipping our pints. I’ve only had one – I don’t want a hangover at work tomorrow. Somehow I doubt that would go down well with Elspeth and Kathryn. Every time the door to the toilets opens I get a waft of bleach and urine. But the bar is packed so we stay where we are.
‘We’re not.’
‘You were chatting for ages.’
‘Not for ages. I can’t forgive him,’ I shout over the music.
Courtney sips her pint. ‘For the money?’ She shouts back.
Not just that, I think, but I don’t say it. Courtney and Vince are friends and I don’t want to ruin that by telling her the whole truth. She’s already punished him by ignoring him for weeks after we split up. If she found out about his loss of control she’d never speak to him again. ‘For everything. But mainly for not being there for me when I needed him the most.’
She nods understandingly. ‘At least you can be on speaking terms and don’t have to avoid coming out with us any more.’
‘S’pose.’
She puts her arm around my neck. ‘The guys have missed you.’
I watch them onstage. They’re not bad, but I don’t want this to be my future. I don’t know what I want. I just know I want more than this. My mum’s death has created a gulf between me and my friends, except Courtney. I feel different from how I was before. More knowing, somehow. It’s matured me. Made me see there’s more to life than working in a dead-end job, pubbing it at the weekends and staying in the area where you were born. Life is short. As soon as I’ve saved, and Vince has given me back the money he owes me, I’m off. I’ve got nothing to keep me here now.
I notice a girl at the front, near the stage, talking to Dexter’s girlfriend. ‘Who’s that with Hannah?’ I ask Courtney. She’s giggling and dancing provocatively. I can only see her profile but I can tell she’s pretty and petite. She’s wearing a strappy top that shows off her (I’m assuming fake) tan, and I know straight away that she’s Vince’s type. I get a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. If she’s here for Vince it’s not my place to get territorial over him. I don’t want him back. I touch my throat, remembering his hands around my neck. It was only for the briefest of moments and then he’d stood back, alarm and shock on his face at his actions. But it was enough. It was the first and only time he went for me. The money is bad enough, but that split second of violence cemented my decision.
‘Oh, that’s …’ She pauses and frowns. ‘I can’t remember her name. Velma or something. She’s a groupie, I think. I’ve noticed her here a few times.’
I laugh. Courtney is terrible with names. ‘Velma? Has she come to find Scooby Doo?’
She punches my arm playfully. ‘Idiot.’
Despite my reservations about coming