I squeeze Zack’s hand gently and look to him before raising my other hand towards their head stones.
“Meet Mark and Andrew.” I don’t even get the words out before the tears fall from my eyes. They freeze almost instantly on my cheeks. I close my eyes and bite the inside of my cheek, painfully, because I have no idea what else to say.
I’m standing here next to the man I love, who I don’t know how to be with, introducing him to the man I first loved and don’t know how to say good-bye to.
His eyes stay on me. I can feel them even though mine are closed…too scared to open them, afraid of what I will see in them. I have no idea how long we stand there, me silently trying not to cry, when he squeezes my hand.
I need him to hear what I have to say, to listen to the words I haven’t been able to speak to him.
“I went to a concert with Mia a few weeks ago. And I met someone. You would love him, Mark. I can see your eyes shining now, your dimples and your smile right now even thinking about how happy you would look knowing I just spent the last two weeks on tour with Zack Walters and his band. And I played the keyboard with them. You would have absolutely loved it.” I choke back a sob and continue. The entire time, Zack’s hand is gripping mine.
“I love him, Mark. I love him more than anything, and at the same time, I still love you. And I miss you and Andrew every single day. I have no idea how to be with him because I’m so terrified that being with him, saying yes to him means I’m saying good-bye to you, and to Andrew. And I don’t know how. I know you would want me to move on and be happy. I know you would want me to smile and laugh and dance to music like we always used to. I just don’t know how to love him and hold on to you at the same time.”
I take one step forward and collapse on my knees on the cold ground in front of their graves and sob into my hands.
Because this is what I was afraid of.
It wasn’t the paparazzi or the pictures or the groupies or the gossip. Ultimately, I realize that in this moment, I’m terrified about forgetting them. About someday, forgetting how Andrew could make anyone fall in love with him just by smiling with his pudgy cheeks. I’m terrified that given too much time, and too much distance, I’ll completely forget how his little hand fit perfectly into mine and how his body was always so warm snuggled up next to mine. I’ll forget his first word or his favorite toy. And I don’t want to forget any of it. I want to remember every single second I ever had with both of them.
I kneel there, sobbing, until my knees and shins are completely frozen. I’m shaking so hard from the cold my teeth are chattering. My cheeks have become a sheet ice from my frozen tears.
It’s only when Zack kneels next to me, placing an arm around my back and pulls me into chest that I realize how frozen I am because he feels as warm as always. I sob harder as we both sit there; me draped across his lap, his arms around my back holding me tight against him. He slowly rocks back and forth, letting me get out all my fears to the people I love more than anything.
His voice breaks when he speaks. “I don’t want you to forget them, Nicole. They’re a part of you and they always will be. I’m not asking you to let them go, I just want you to make room for me, too.”
I soak in his words and slowly, bring my face to look at his. His eyes glisten with unshed tears. “You’ll tell me about them every day, and if you forget, I’ll ask. I want to know them. I want to know who you were with them. I want to know everything about you, the good, the bad, and the past.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know if I can give you my whole heart Zack. They have so much of it already.”
He presses a fierce kiss onto my forehead; his voice thick and rough. “If you can give me half as much