I gasp when I see how horrific I look in the bathroom mirror. My hair is flying all over the place. My cheeks are streaked with what little mascara I had on earlier and my eyes are puffy and blood shot. My skin is pale – completely drained of all color. I look like utter crap. And feel even worse.
I splash some cold water on my face trying to scrub off the mascara, and run my wet fingers through my hair pulling it up into a loose ponytail. I let out an exhausted breath and grip the edges of the sink. I knew I shouldn’t have come.
***
Both Mia and Zack turn as I walk back down the hallway towards them. I can’t look Zack in the eye I’m so embarrassed he just saw me looking and acting like that. This is why I avoid music and concerts. I’m sure he now understands at least some of the things I half-spoke earlier.
"So..." Zack says slowly and cautiously. I raise my eyes to his and see a hint of concern in them. I want to fall into a black hole and disappear. “I have some tickets and backstage passes if you still want to come tomorrow.”
Mia cocks her head to the side, shrugs her shoulders, and flashes me a look that says the decision is up to me. I hate how sorry she looks right now since coming here was her idea. I hate how I panicked and freaked out, not only embarrassing myself, but shortened her night in the process. I know how much going to this concert means to her. I also know she can call any one of her dozens of friends if I back out, but I know the only way I get past this is to keep trying, to keep being brave. I can’t spend the rest of my life hiding in fear. I have to do this for me and for Mia because I’m suddenly really tired of her always having to be here to comfort me.
I give the briefest hint of a smile, but straighten my back and look Zack right in the eye. "Yeah, we'll be here."
If I wasn’t so exhausted, the large genuine smile he gives us would probably be contagious. Instead I’m spent and can only watch him rock back on his heels with his hands in pockets. “I’m really glad you could come hang out with us for a little, even if it didn’t end on the best note.” I can’t contain the snort at his double entendre.
“That was pretty cheesy, Zack.” Mia laughs.
He shrugs unashamedly. “I’m a musician, not a comedian. Come on, we're all done in here for the night. I'll walk you out to your car."
***
I walk in the door to my condo and head into my kitchen without bothering to turn on any lights on the way. After setting the coffee pot alarm for the next morning, I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I change into one of Mark's old college soccer shirts, and crawl into our still-too-large-for-just-me bed. I lay in bed and think of Mark. We loved music. He dragged me to every local band he could find for years, and while I didn’t care for his appreciation of heavier rock, my own love of music quickly sold me on local alternative and soft rock talent. We hit every major rock concert that came to the city and I loved every single minute. Music lost the joy and hope it once gave me after their accident. Instead, every song I heard left me feeling more alone, and more lost than before. I knew tonight was going to be hard, I just didn’t realize it was going to be that bad.
I can’t stop myself from thinking of Zack and the concerned look in his eyes when I came out of the bathroom or how they sparkled when he winked at me. And the smile when I said I would come to the concert. I feel ridiculous. A few hours earlier I was talking to Mia about the idea of potentially dating and now I’m infatuated with smoky green eyes and a sexy smile. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, feeling utterly foolish over the whole night.
Zack Walters is leaving in just a few days and I’ll never see him again. There’s no reason to even be thinking about him. I drift off to sleep with tears in my eyes thinking