it. That’s your way of gutting up and saying you could have had it worse, I know that. But not with me. I see you, Rey. I know the truth. You lost your mother forever as a little girl and the man who killed her was supposed to love and protect both of you. That’s fucking hard, and I’d be shocked if you didn’t have trust issues.”
Her expression crumbles. Rey leans her forehead against my shoulder as she cries. Not silent tears, but powerful sobs that shake her shoulders. I close my eyes and kiss the top of her head, wishing I could take the pain away. It’s part of who she is, though, and I love every inch of her.
When she’s out of tears to cry, Rey looks up at me, her dark eyes red-rimmed and swollen.
“Do you think you can ever love another woman?” she asks in a small voice. “I see you, too, and I know your wife was your everything.”
My heart catches, both from the mention of Lily and from the hope in Rey’s voice. I swallow hard and cup her tear-stained cheek in my hand.
“She was my everything, but she’s gone. And I know she’d want me to keep living.”
“I’m nothing like her. I’m not good, or sweet or patient.”
I smile. “You aren’t patient, I’ll give you that. But you are good, Rey. You’re every bit as good as Lily was. You’re just different. You’re you.”
She nods, and I take a breath, my heart racing as I put everything on the table.
“You asked if I could love another woman again, and the answer is that I already do. I love you, Rey. I wish you could stay more than I can even say, but at the same time, I love that your way of coping with what happened to you is saving kids. If you quit doing that for me, you wouldn’t be you anymore.”
She releases an emotional breath. “I love you, too, Jonah. And I hate so fucking much that I have to leave you.”
“Maybe someday…” I shake my head. “Yeah, this fucking sucks. I don’t want you someday. I want you now.”
Rey stands up. “I’m so sorry, but I have to go. This hurts so damn much. I want to spend my last couple days with you, but if I do, I’ll just spend them crying and wishing things could be different. In those couple days,” her voice breaks with emotion, “I’ll just fall a little more in love with you.”
“You don’t have to go.” My whole body feels a little heavier at the thought of her walking out now, of this moment being our end.
“I do.” She picks her bag and jacket up from a chair, not looking at me. “I’m just going to go back to work tomorrow, because what else can I do?”
“Rey…”
She walks over to the door. “I’m so sorry, Jonah. I’m not good at this stuff. I wish I could say goodbye to you like a normal person, but I have to go. I just…can’t.”
Her sobs are audible as she opens the door and leaves. I want to chase after her. Tell her to stay and we’ll figure something out.
We’ve got no options, though. She can’t keep her job and our relationship. I’m so crazy about her I’d consider following her if I could, and leaving hockey behind. That’s not an option either, though, with her work.
I sit down on the couch and put my head in my hands, despair running through my veins. It’s a feeling I know well, but I never thought it would hit me head on again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Rey
“At least let me put some serum on your eyes, they’re puffier than roasted marshmallows,” Kai says.
“I think I’m beyond help from a serum.”
My voice is dull and nasally and my head is pounding. I cried for hours after getting home from Jonah’s last night, finally slept for a couple hours and then woke up and cried some more. It was around 10:00 in the morning when I got up, washed my face and packed my bags.
I just want to wallow, but it won’t change anything. And it also feels horrible.
“Don’t go,” Kai begs, taking my hand.
I look at my pile of packed suitcases and smile sadly. “I don’t want to go. I’d stay until you were completely sick of me if I could.”
“Never.”
“I’m shit at goodbyes,” I say. “I’m so careful not to care enough that I don’t have to worry about sad goodbyes.”
“That’s fucked up,