when I e-mailed him earlier. Maybe you are but I still want to see you was my reply. I keep ignoring the feeling of being followed. I keep ignoring the texts from the blocked number telling me I'm watching you. I tell myself the texts are coming from the dead boy whose condo I bought. It's easier that way. This morning the girl I called over when I got home from the W Hotel was asleep in the bedroom. I woke her up and told her she had to get out because the maid was coming. At the casting sessions it was all boys and though I wasn't exactly bored I didn't need to be there, and songs constantly floating in the car keep commenting on everything neutral encased within the windshield's frame ( ... one time you were blowing young ruffians ... sung over the digital billboard on Sunset advertising the new Pixar movie) and the fear builds into a muted fury and then has no choice but to melt away into a simple and addictive sadness. Daniel's arm around Meghan Reynolds's waist sometimes blocks the view at traffic lights. And then it's the blond girl on the veranda. It's almost always her image now that deflects everything.
You knew that Meghan Reynolds was with Daniel," I say. "I saw them last night. You knew I'd been with her over the summer. You also knew she's with Daniel now."
"Everyone knows," Julian says, confused. "So what?"
"I didn't," I say. "Everyone? What does that mean?"
"It means I guess you weren't paying attention."
I move the conversation to the reason I'm here in the Farmers Market with him. I ask him a question about Blair. There's a longish pause. Julian's usual affability gets washed away with that question.
"We were involved, I guess," he finally says.
"You and Blair?"
"Yeah."
"She doesn't want you to talk to me," I say. "She warned me, in fact, not to."
"Blair asked you not to speak to me? She warned you?" He sighs. "She must really be hurt."
"Why is she so hurt?"
"Didn't she tell you why?" he asks.
"No," I say. "I didn't ask."
Chapter 3
Julian gives me a quick glance tinged with worry, and then it's gone. "Because I started seeing someone else and it was hard for her when I broke it off."
"Who was the girl?"
"She's an actress. She works in this lounge on La Cienega."
"Did Trent know?"
"He doesn't care," Julian says. "Why are you asking that?"
"Because he cared when it was me," I say. "He still hasn't cooled off. I mean, I don't know why." I pause. "Trent has his own ... proclivities."
"I think that was something else."
"What's ... something else?"
"That Blair still likes you."
When Julian speaks again his voice becomes more urgent. "Look, they have a family. They have children. They've made it work. I should have never gone there but ... I never thought I would hurt her." He stops. "I mean, you're the one who always hurt her the most." He pauses before adding, "You're the one who always did."
"Yeah," I say. "This time she didn't talk to me for almost two years."
"My situation was more ... I don't know, typical. Something you'd expect," Julian says. "The girl I met was a lot younger and ... " This seems to remind Julian of something. "How did the casting sessions go this morning?"
"How did you know there were casting sessions this morning?"
Julian mentions a friend of his who had auditioned.
"Why do you know twenty-one-year-old actors?" I ask.
"Because I live here," he says. "And he's not twenty-one."
We're standing next to Julian's Audi in the parking lot off of Fairfax. I'm going back to Culver City when he vaguely mentions a meeting, and I realize I haven't asked him anything about his life, but then I don't really care one way or another. I'm about to leave when suddenly I ask him, "What the fuck happened to Rip Millar?"
At the mention of the name Julian's face becomes too calm.
"I don't know," he says. "Why are you asking me?"
"Because he looks freakish," I say. "I actually got scared."
"What are you talking about?"
"He's a horror movie," I say. "I thought he was going to start drooling."
"I heard he inherited a lot of money. His grandparents." Julian pauses. "Real estate investments. He's opening a club in Hollywood ... " An annoyance I never detected in Julian announces itself. And then Julian casually tells me a story he heard about this secret cult that encouraged members to starve themselves to death - some kind of