If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,54

not going there anymore.”

I threw my hands up, exasperated. “You know what’s a bigger burden, Ash? This. Having you tell me you feel like a burden. Do I not make you feel welcome? That you would rather be out on the street, walking god knows how many miles, than just be here with me? Do you feel like you can’t reach out to me for help?”

“No . . . that’s not what I mean. Bird, you are going places, you have your shit together. I am a burden. You may not see me as one, but it’s a fact. And you are giving and caring and I am just trying spare you from me.”

“I don’t need you making choices for me, Ash. I’m not stupid.”

“I know you’re not, and that’s why I can’t figure out for the life of me why you give a shit,” he snapped.

“Because I do, Ash. And I won’t justify it to anyone, including you,” I said, stomping out of the bathroom.

Tears streamed down my cheeks and I opened up a can of soup and put it on the burner. I cared so much about Ash, but he was like water. No matter how I tried to get a hold on him, he was always slipping through my fingers. I wanted to tell him he was a hypocrite, telling me I was lovable and beautiful despite my flaws, and yet he was unwilling to accept love and care because of his. But, I didn’t want him to see the tears. I just wanted it to be back to us dancing and painting. I didn’t want to complicate things with my tears again.

“Bird.” He was standing behind me. “Bird?” his voice was softer the second time.

“Yeah?” I said. I cleared my throat to hide the emotion, but it only made the crying more obvious.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I nodded. I didn’t want to speak because then the tears would start up again.

“No really, I’m sorry. I fucked up. And when I fuck up, I have a tendency to want to disappear. I didn’t give you a choice. I took it away from you. Sometimes, I just think it makes things better if I just go away.”

“That’s not healthy.”

“I know,” he muttered.

“You have so much going for you and for some reason you’ve got it in your head that you aren’t worth it. You have to stop that.”

Ash didn’t reply, but after a few moments he spoke. “I went to my brother’s the day after we hung on the roof, and I heard my sister-in-law telling someone on the phone that my brother and her were going to have a baby. He hadn’t even told me yet. And she said she didn’t want me around the baby because I don’t have my life together. She said I was holding my brother back. And she’s right . . . I’m a mess, Bird. And I don’t . . .”

“Don’t say it,” I said. I knew how he was going to finish the sentence and I didn’t want to hear it. I was sick about hearing who deserved what. The world doesn’t work that way, so why should we?

“I’m already starting to hurt you.”

“Ash, I care about you. I want to help you. I want to.” A tear leaked out as I blinked. “Not letting me help you is hurting me. If I thought you were a loser, if I thought you were destined for anything less than sharing your gifts with this world, I wouldn’t want to help you. I would know it was pointless. But you are not what you see of yourself. I might not see auras, and colors, or taste my feelings, but I see things you don’t see too. I see who you can become. So stop trying to convince me you aren’t worth my time. Because you are. You are special, Ash. I won’t fucking stop until you believe that. I don’t know what happened to make you think you weren’t worth the effort. And maybe one day you’ll finally tell me. But I guarantee you, you are worth it. And your sister-in-law is a bitch,” I said.

He laughed softly.

Ash’s chest pressed against my back as he wrapped his arms around me, shrouding me in love. We might not have been ready to confess it to each other, but we were drowning in it. I inhaled his scent, no longer of earth and sweat, but of soap. “I’m just so afraid I’ll hurt you,” he