working. I slowly walked toward him. He glanced up and his eyes gave me a sense of his hostility, but I forced myself to keep moving. Mission. I had a mission. He deserved an apology. I planned to ask for his forgiveness. See if he could give me that, see if we could go back to being friends. It was all he’d wanted from me anyway. I’d take it. If he could forgive me. That part of the decision wasn’t mine.
I thought about what I’d been rehearsing. I’d start with a joke. Jackson couldn’t resist a laugh.
“Hey,” I said. “What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?”
He blinked without even cracking a smile. Remembering my resolve, I stood straighter. I wouldn’t want to run from this.
“De-calf-inated.”
His eyes didn’t even sparkle.
“I’m sorry,” I started to say, but he’d flipped on the espresso machine and nothing I said would be heard over the racket. I waited until the noise died down.
“I’m so sorry about the awful things I said,” I told him when the machine went silent. I swallowed and took a deep breath. “I don’t think you’re a faker. I mean, it’s not your fault you don’t look biracial, and there’s no way you should act, and you totally deserve sharing the heritage. I was just trying to hurt you. It was stupid. And immature and I didn’t mean it.”
He slowly drizzled chocolate over a coffee drink but didn’t look up.
My cheeks warmed and I took a deep breath. “The thing is, I was embarrassed for, um, kissing you. And I just kind of popped when I found out you had a girlfriend. I mean, it’s no excuse, but I’d been holding so many things in, and when I got mad at you, everything seemed to come to the surface and I went for your blood. It wasn’t fair.”
I waited but Jackson kept working, not looking at me. “I guess I read our relationship all wrong, and when I realized you had a girlfriend, it mortified me. See, I was kind of dumb, and I thought there might be something more than just friendship.” My cheeks blazed but I made myself keep going. I’d practiced the speech in my mind a million times. “I’m stupid, and I lashed out at you to cover up my own humiliation. I didn’t mean what I said. It’s not true. None of it. I’m very sorry.”
I understood a little of how Nathan had felt now. Why he’d lashed out at me. Lacey had said he had a thing for me, and it was unrequited just like me with Jackson. It hurt, but I wouldn’t let that be an excuse to act like a total jerk.
Jackson lifted the coffee drink he was making and placed it on the counter. A woman stepped out from behind me, gave me a compassionate glance, and reached for her coffee. I forced myself to stay still and not run away in horror. The woman took her drink and left, but first she smiled at me with sympathy.
I took a deep breath. “I had a stupid crush on you, but I’m totally cool with being friends. I mean if you want…I mean, I won’t expect anything more of you. But I’d like to be friends. If you can forgive me.”
People did it all the time. Hung out with unreciprocated loves. Stayed friends. Jackson and I had so much in common, and I really liked talking with him.
I held out his hoodie. “Here. I brought this back.”
“Hey, Jaz, long time no see.”
I swiveled. Lacey stood behind me, her hands clasped in front of her.
“Hey, Lacey,” I said, biting my lip and wishing she’d disappear. The girl had the worst timing.
Lacey squirmed on her feet as if she were nervous too. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you forever. Can I buy you a drink?”
I glanced at Jackson.
“You should sit with her. She needs to talk.” Jackson said, and his expression was unreadable. “And keep the hoodie. I don’t need it.”
I swallowed my disappointment. I’d hoped for forgiveness, maybe even an offer of friendship, but I guess I’d gone too far. He wasn’t going to give either. “Okay. Well. I’ll see you around, maybe at school.” At least I’d apologized. I’d tried. I was proud of myself for doing it, for making an effort to be more forgiving and open.
I turned to Lacey and made a show of checking my watch. I didn’t want to spend too much time with her.