If I Tell - By Janet Gurtler Page 0,15

myself terribly funny.

“Nah. Stick with your own kind.” He buried his face in my neck, tickling me with his breath. “Did I mention I’m deep and intellectual?”

I punched him on his shoulder. “My own kind? I don’t have my own kind.” I poked my finger into his scrawny chest, brave from the liquor surging through my veins. “And anyhow, who said you’re deep and intellectual?”

“I know I am.” He blew softly in my ear. “You may not be all black, but you’re all beautiful.”

“Gee, thanks.” I hiccuped again and supported myself against him.

“You’re black enough for me,” he whispered.

“Not anyone else. And by the way, who said construction workers are intellectual? That’s not a job qualification. And the only time you’re deep is when you smoke too much dope.” I shook my finger at him and took another swig of beer. “Don’t you know that’s very bad for you?”

“You don’t need a degree to be smart,” he mumbled.

“Tell my grandma that.” I lifted my bottle in a salute and imitated her voice. “Jasmine, the most important thing you will need in the world is a college degree.”

He laughed. “Yeah? Well, a brother knocked up your mom when she was sixteen. That didn’t require a degree.”

“Seventeen. And she got her degree after I was born. Instead of raising me, she let my grandparents do it.” I raised my bottle in another toast and took a big swig.

“I guess she kind of sucked at being a mom.”

I laughed until beer leaked out of my nose, which made me laugh harder while I mopped it up with my sleeve. “You think?”

“I saw her and Simon the other day. He was rubbing her belly like he’d done something really great.”

“Ha! A lot of talent it takes to get my mom pregnant. Not like he’s the first.” I turned my attention back to Lacey and her dance partner.

Nathan touched my hand. “You pissed? About your mom being pregnant?”

“Why would I care?” I leaned back as the room spun in pleasant circles.

“I don’t know. You’ll be a sister. Maybe that’ll be cool?”

“Nathan. Shut up about my mom and Simon.” The conversation detracted from my happy buzz.

He lightly stroked the back of my hand. Nice little jolts rolled over my skin. I lifted my bottle to my lips, watching Nathan. His eyelids looked droopy, almost sexy. When he slowly licked his lips, an unexpected surge rushed through me.

Nathan?

I was drunk. Very drunk.

He reached for me, took the bottle from my hand, and leaned forward in slow motion. I watched his head move toward me. His full lips pried mine open. They were soft and wet. I tasted smoke. I inhaled the smell of beer on his breath.

He pulled away from me, sighing and smiling. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long, long time.”

An alarm rang in my head, but it was fuzzy. How far was this going to go? I didn’t say anything. For a minute, I dropped my eyes and enjoyed being wanted.

He leaned down and pressed his cheek against mine. “You okay? I mean, is this okay?”

I didn’t answer, which seemed to pass for shyness. He stood and pulled on my hand. “Come on. Let’s go somewhere a little more private.”

I wondered if Nathan could take away my emptiness. I held his darker hand and allowed myself to be led stumbling toward the stairs, passing couples dancing or making out. Nathan slid an arm around my waist when I tripped. He led me up the stairs into a dark bedroom.

“Jaz,” he whispered. His hand touched my hair, and he rubbed it gently between his fingers. He looked almost sinister in the dark. “You’re so beautiful.”

My eyes slowly adjusted to the blackness. A dresser was covered with clothes and pushed up against the wall. Behind a tiny door to the right was a small bathroom. And in the middle of the room a big bed mocked me.

“Marnie’s room,” Nathan whispered and licked my neck.

I guessed he’d been there before and I had an urge to laugh at how ridiculous we were acting. Making out and sneaking off to Marnie’s messy room in the middle of a drinking party. He kissed me again on the mouth, sticking his tongue in deeper. I tried to feel a little bit of the glow I’d felt earlier. Zilch. Nausea zipped from my stomach to my throat.

I pulled away, my buzz fading. I opened my mouth to tell Nathan I’d never gone past kissing a boy from a different school