I Pucking Love You (The Copper Valley Thrusters #5) - Pippa Grant Page 0,84
was important to dress as close as she would for a date.
“You think I wouldn’t have body issues if my parents hadn’t waved their own unhealthy relationships with the human shape in my face my whole life?” I guess.
“Things get rooted deep when you’re little. I know my dad never meant for me to feel dumb, but I overheard him telling my mom how much he loved being able to talk to Atticus about particle physics when I was in seventh or eighth grade, and I internalized that as I love my children who are smarter more than I love my children who don’t grasp physics concepts. It was wrong—of course my dad loves me, and he didn’t say it maliciously or to hurt anyone, and since Atticus is older, of course he grasped more complicated concepts before I was mentally capable of doing the same—but that doesn’t mean it didn’t make me feel inferior for not being able to talk to him about his job the same way my brother could.”
“She doesn’t mean to hurt me.”
“But she still does. And don’t let your dad off the hook. He knew your mom was self-conscious, and he called her names anyway.”
I stare at my fried fish.
It’s delicious.
I totally get why Brianna wanted to lick it. And why Tyler eats it when he’s stressed.
And I can’t finish it, both because I’m thinking of how it will look on my hips, and also what it will do to my arteries.
But the weird part is that for once, I might actually be thinking more about my arteries.
Possibly Tyler defending my body was very, very good for me.
But why did it take him saying something my therapist has been trying to explain to me for years for it to sink in?
Am I putting his opinions on a pedestal because he gave me an orgasm?
Or did I have to have an orgasm for the message to sink in?
Which came first, me or my possibly improving self-image?
“Mom charged her boudoir shoot to my credit card and maxed it out,” I tell the filet. It’s easier than telling Kami, and I don’t want to think about my self-image anymore.
“Again?” she gasps.
It wasn’t a boudoir shoot last time—it was her buying into a pyramid scheme for herbal supplements—but I know that’s not the important part. “My card got declined when we got to Richmond. Tyler had to pay for our hotel room. And then dinner. And all the gas. And he didn’t complain once and he glared at me like I was insulting his manhood when I told him I’d pay him back.”
“I don’t think Tyler’s the type who thinks a man has to pay for everything. I think he’s more the type to help a friend in need and he doesn’t take thank you well.”
“I know, it’s just…you do it, because we’re family. And Veda did it for Muff Matchers because we were so tight in med school and she knows—anyway, we have history. Tyler and I—we don’t.”
“So this past year was nothing?”
“We were harmlessly flirting.”
“You weren’t also becoming friends?”
My cheeks are getting hot. “We were making friends.”
“And now?”
“And now he’s like this master conductor and my body is his orchestra and I don’t want to date or get married except I could see me and Rufus living at his place forever, and I also don’t know how long it’ll be before Tyler gets tired of us. He doesn’t want to have a girlfriend or ever get married either, except he told me this morning that we’re dating and he gave me the keys to his car and he’s acting like he won’t allow me to go see my mother unless he’s present to serve as a shield to absorb all of her accidental insults, even though we both know he can’t order me to do anything, and I don’t think it’s a control thing. I think it’s that he wants to protect me from getting hurt. And it feels a whole lot like what I see your parents have. And what you and Nick have. And now I’m going to hyperventilate, okay?”
Kami grips my greasy hands while I breathe through the sudden panic gripping my heart.
I know why my mom’s broken.
She loved my dad with everything she had, and he left.
She wasn’t enough. Her love wasn’t enough.
He got tired of her, and he left.
If I let myself love Tyler with everything I have, and he leaves, I know exactly what my future will look like.