How to Claim a Governess’s Heart - Bridget Barton Page 0,37

stemming from my education. I had once thought that after leaving the pious seminary, I would no longer feel negatively towards religion and church. It has been much contrary to that first assumption. I feel every time I step into a church, I am re-entering the abbey all over again.

The constant cold, the empty stomach, the never-ending fear – it all seems to wash back over me. I have managed to construe my outward attitudes and facial expressions to hide what I feel inside. Still, to be truthful, it is all war and tumult inside my physical frame.

As kind a man as Mr. Higgins is – and I know he would be the kindest husband – I could never accept the vicar's wife's job. I am sure I would go mad in the process of it. I wish so dearly to convey this information to Mr. Higgins but fear I don’t know how.

If he could but see the terrible scars that were so well hidden under my sleeves this night, perhaps he wouldn’t have even pursued the matter further. I could not bear to give up one secret – of my past thieving ways – only to conceal another – my avoidance of religious community.

I am not sure how to convey these feelings to Mr. Higgins without losing his friendship or, worse, offending him. I am sure there are a great many better prospects out there for the fine gentleman beyond me, and I only hope that he too will see that so such a conversation will not have to come to pass.

I fear his disdain towards me almost as much as I fear that it might alter the opinion of myself in Lord John’s mind. I’m sure he would not be happy to learn that I am attempting to find ways – even the most gentle and inoffensive as I can conjure – to reject one of his closest friends.

As the night progressed, I began to fear that Lord John’s intentions for the evening were more than just a kind gift of happy memories for me. I wonder if he also had the intention of seeing me matched. He has already expressed his reservations in keeping a governess for Betsy. Perhaps he thought in this way he could put me aside and thereby be free of the financial burden I have caused him.

To his credit, he did construe a very considerate way of removing me from his household if this was his real intention. I would not have thought such ulterior motives were the case except for what transpired as the night progressed.

First, there was the attention of three other men of marrying age. Though they were all exceptional dance partners and very amiable conversationalists, I can’t say that I am interested in marrying any of them. It is not that they are all found wanting, I am actually more impressed with Lord John’s ability to keep some of the best people in his close friendship.

It is merely that I have no desire to marry and leave my charge. I could not bear to leave Betsy. After all the small child has been through, I feel it would only damage her more to remove another person from her life. More than this, I am sure my heart could not bear to be removed from her.

I am reminded of my own education and severe lectures to ensure we understand, as employees of a household, that we have no cause to consider ourselves an intimate member of it. We were explicitly warned against finding deep attachment to any ward we might take on, as it was futile and destructive. We were meant to educate in an authoritative and aloof manner.

Though I did try to live by this creed for the first few months in the Smeltings’ employment, it was impossible to keep up against the angelic child. Betsy is so pure and innocent from her young beginnings that only one with no heart at all could keep themselves aloof from the child.

Likewise, Lieutenant and Mrs. Smelting were so gentle and welcoming it was next to impossible not to feel a deep friendship with them. I had prepared myself for a vastly different situation after their death. I knew that even my continued presence was in jeopardy.

On the contrary, Lord John has become like a close confidante to me. He has taken an interest in Betsy as if she were his own and respected my opinions on childrearing matters as if I