And I won’t be fobbed off anymore. I just won’t.”
“I know.” He crossed to the oak cabinet, which he kept stocked with spirits. He needed a drink first. “Would you like a whisky?” His voice was rough as he sloshed God knew how much into a glass. His hands still shook, and his throat felt raw.
“Yes, please,” she replied.
After passing Olivia her glass, Hamish dropped into the wing chair beside hers. His shoulders heaved with a weary sigh, and he rubbed his forehead. Where to begin? How much should he divulge? What should he leave out?
By the look on his wife’s face, the stubborn set to her neat chin, only complete candor on his part would suffice. Perhaps it was time to confess all. And then she’d understand why he was such a mess.
Why she needed to stay away and give up this futile pursuit of him.
Yes, he needed to rip off the bandage. Expose the ugly truth. And the sooner he did so, the better.
Olivia sipped her whisky with barely a grimace. “Hamish, perhaps it would help if I told you what I learned this afternoon when I took tea with your mother,” she said softly. “She told me a little about the fire here at Muircliff. How you risked your own life to rescue her. And she also told me about your father, Torquil. How he had a terrible temper and how cruel he was to you all.”
Ah, so that’s why Olivia mentioned that she thought he was nothing like his father. Hamish tossed back a mouthful of whisky, hoping it would give him the courage he needed to continue discussing such a harrowing subject.
“Aye. He was cruel, lass. A heartless bastard with a penchant for making his family’s life hell.”
“So . . . so why did you tell your mother that you feared you’d become just like him? You’re not cruel or heartless. As far as I can see, you’ve never done anything out of malice. Even your mother said as much. Whatever actions you’ve taken have been because you want to protect those you care about.”
“Are you so sure of that?” he demanded. “How many times have I had sudden outbursts of temper? Until yesterday morning, didn’t I plan to interfere in Isobel’s life, disregarding what she truly wanted? Haven’t I turned your life upside down? Made you miserable with all of my caveats about our own marriage? Denying you tonight was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It didn’t matter that I knew I was hurting you. I did it anyway.”
“I know that’s because you’re afraid that you’ll get me with child. That you think you’ll be a terrible father,” she said. “You can’t deny that’s what you believe. But that’s not true. I’ve seen how wonderful you are with Tilda. So patient and kind and generous. And you’re not even sure she’s your daughter.”
“That’s different.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Olivia. I am not the saint you believe me to be. I’m deeply flawed and dangerous.”
“We all have flaws, Hamish. And from what I’ve seen, the only person who was ever in any danger from you was my odious cousin Felix. And he deserved everything you meted out to him.”
Hamish shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Then enlighten me. Because I’m really struggling to understand.”
Hamish tossed back half of his whisky, then put down his glass. He could down a vat of the stuff and it still wouldn’t erase his pain.
“All right, lass. Let me speak plainly. And if you still think I’m a good man, don’t be surprised if I think you’re a fool.”
Olivia swallowed, but her gaze was steady. “I’m listening.”
“You already know my father was an abusive man. When I was a youth, he was fond of wielding a strap at the slightest provocation. Isobel was the only one he left alone, perhaps because she was crippled. But he also believed Isobel wasn’t really his, that our mother had been unfaithful, so he barely regarded her at all. But it was our poor mother who bore the brunt of his anger. She tried to hide how bad the beatings were, but I knew. And so did the servants.”
Olivia paled. “Oh . . . I . . . your mother intimated they fought . . . Oh, Hamish, I’m so dreadfully sorry to hear that. You were all living in a real nightmare.”
He shrugged and leaned his forearms on his thighs. Clenched his hands together so tightly, the knuckles strained against