sewer system, and if we don’t control the population growth we’ll find Nevermoor overrun with these gigantic mummy and daddy versions –’ (he pointed at the picture) ‘– in just a few short months, ’cos they grow up quick, the precious little blighters.
‘Now I know this is nobody’s favourite job – plenty of us have been injured in the annual sewerfest, and the smell takes days to leave the old nostrils – but someone’s got to put their hand up to help us trap, tag and relocate these wee beasties outside of the city. There are sixteen of us in the Beastly Division, and I reckon we’ll need another dozen helpers. If I don’t get enough volunteers, some of you might just get voluntold. So, show of hands please: who’s keen to rid Nevermoor’s sewers of their scaliest scourge?’
A few senior scholars reluctantly put their hands in the air, and a handful of older members, too. Thaddea’s hand, though, shot into the air so fast it might have had an engine. The rest of Unit 919 turned to look at her in horror.
‘Thaddea, you don’t seriously want to crawl down into the sewers to round up a bunch of those … things?’ Anah asked in an incredulous whisper.
‘You don’t seriously think I’d miss a chance to fight the Nevermoor Scaly Sewer Beast?’ Thaddea whispered back at her, practically bouncing up and down in her seat to be seen by Gavin.
‘Right, that’s eight brave volunteers, thank you very much,’ said Gavin. ‘And I’ll also take Mitty Hayward, Susie-Lee Walters, Phyllis Lightyear – yes, I know you did it last year, pal, that’s why I want you back. Shouldn’t have done such a good job the first time around, if you didn’t want to get chosen again.’ There was a rumble of laughter as Phyllis made a rude hand gesture at Gavin, who ignored it. ‘Oh! We’ve got another volunteer up the back there … What’s your name, my young friend?’
She leapt up from her seat. ‘Thaddea No-Retreat of Clan Macleod.’
Morrigan looked from Hawthorne to Cadence and back again, trying not to giggle. Thaddea who of Clan Macleod?
‘Proudly born and raised atop the Highlands, in the Third Pocket of the Free State,’ Thaddea continued in a resounding voice. ‘Daughter of Mary the Heart-Eater and Malcolm the Mellow, granddaughter of Deirdre the Deathbringer, great-granddaughter of Eileen Never-Surrender, great-great-granddaughter of Ailsa the Tetchy, great-great-great granddaughter of Betty One-Kick, great-great-great-GREAT granddaughter—’
‘Well, Thaddea No-Retreat of Clan Macleod,’ Gavin interrupted, holding up a hand and smiling widely, ‘if you’re that desperate to risk your limbs and spend days smelling like excrement, who am I to stop you? Welcome aboard.’
There was a vaguely shell-shocked round of applause for Thaddea from the older units as she took her seat, and a general sense of relief that all the spots on the mission had been filled and nobody else needed to volunteer.
‘Such a weirdo,’ muttered Cadence, giving her a half-hearted clap.
‘A weirdo who gets to go into the sewers at night and hunt monsters,’ Thaddea pointed out triumphantly, as if she’d just been granted the best treat imaginable. Cadence looked at Morrigan, and they shook their heads in bewilderment.
Gavin gave instructions for Team Scaly Sewer Beast to meet the following day and discuss their strategy, then ceded the floor to Holliday Wu from the Public Distraction Department.
Morrigan wasn’t sure she’d ever had reason or inclination to use the word ‘fabulous’ before, but there was no other word for Ms Wu. She wore the tallest, shiniest shoes Morrigan had ever seen, fiery red lipstick and a tailored, aubergine-coloured three-piece suit. She had a high, sleek black ponytail with a shaved undercut, and a row of hefty diamond studs along the entire outer edge of her left ear. She was better dressed than even Jupiter. She was fabulous.
‘Right, the Unusual Engineering team will be shutting down Nevermoor’s entire sewage system and the Wunderground network while the Beastly Division hunts for these disgusting things,’ she announced without preamble. ‘Gavin assures me he can get the job done in two to three hours. It will begin at dusk, because that’s when the Nevermoor Ugly Sewer Whatever is most active and therefore easiest to locate.
‘With that in mind: we need a massive, cross-borough Distraction that will keep a city full of people occupied for three hours at peak travel time on a weeknight, during which they cannot use trains or flush the loo. Not a small ask, and the last thing we want is to