the necklace and reached around his neck, putting it back in its place. “I know you don’t,” I assured him, touched that he was willing to knowingly make himself so vulnerable. “But it doesn’t need to happen all at once. We can work up to it.”
Much as I loved being able to see what was going on inside him, I wanted him to be comfortable. I would never force him to go without it, and simply the fact that he was willing to was more than enough for me. I gave him a kiss on the cheek as I fastened the clip, and watched as all the wispy clouds vanished instantly.
“Now then, you were saying something about how you’ve spent the last few days lying to me…” I prompted with a smirk.
“I wasn’t lying, I was…” The grin he started out with sunk as he trailed off, appearing at a loss for words. He sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, hands dangling between his legs. “I was in hell.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” I said, when he stopped again. “It’s OK.”
“No.” He looked up. “I want to. I want you to understand. I feel horrible for treating you the way I did – deliberately avoiding you, and pushing you off. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had to keep you away until I could find a way to… cope.”
He turned his head toward the opposite window looking at the landscape, but seeing only memories.
“When you activated the Iris, I didn’t know what to think. After it was all over I lapsed into something like a trance. As if my mind couldn’t process what had happened. Or maybe I wasn’t letting my mind process it, I don’t know. In any event, I was basically in a stupor until Min came to check on me that night, which is when my,” he hesitated with an embarrassed wince, “somewhat hysterical meltdown occurred.”
My hand found its way over to his arm, rubbing gently, my chest aching at what he must have gone through. He lifted my hand to his lips kissing my knuckles appreciatively, then brought it down, holding it between both of his hands.
“Min actually told me to try being with you anyway,” he continued. “To act as though nothing had happened and see how things worked out.”
“But you didn’t want to do that?”
He shook his head slowly. “There was no way that would have ended well for me. Yes, I would have had you, but I would also have had to live in fear that on any given day you could meet your own Anam. Standing by and watching you bond to someone else isn’t something I’d have ever been strong enough to do. But even if that day never came, I would still have to live my whole life knowing that you weren’t as happy with me as I was with you. Whether you knew it or not, for you, I would have never been more than second best.”
I nodded, silently agreeing with him. I’d once considered if Alex could be happy enough with me even though I wasn’t – or, had assumed I wasn’t – his Anam. Even at the time I could tell the idea, while tempting, would lead to nowhere good, and I wasn’t even bonded to him then. I couldn’t imagine how horrible the idea had seemed to him.
“Before she left that night Min tried to give me something to put me to sleep, but I wouldn’t take it. I don’t know, for some reason I was afraid to sleep, so I sat up all night long just thinking. The only conclusion I could come to was that it had all been a mistake. That you weren’t truly my Anam, that I shouldn’t have bonded with you, and that my feelings would go away – but somehow, deep down, I knew they wouldn’t. The only shred of hope I had was that maybe the mistake had been with you. Maybe the Iris had reacted to something else entirely and when Cormac went to read you, he wouldn’t find anything. Slim chance or no, it was all I had to hold onto. But then, the next morning, it turned out I didn’t even need Cormac to tell me. The moment Min took your Sciath off, I knew. The way your face lit up when you felt the changing within you… it broke my heart.”