was nobody’s finest moment. What happened that day is on you, but what happened the next twelve years is on me. It’s too much weight. And it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. It did at the time, but now I can’t stay in that bitter place. I’ll never get up if I do.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the night of the shooting. At the hotel. I remember I talked to my mom before I fell into bed and she told me, “Put your head down. Stay with David.” Then you handed me a valium and stood watching until I swallowed it.
You didn’t go to sleep. You were in the chair in the corner, reading the bible, reading Psalm 41 out loud. Keeping watch until I was out. You stayed with me. You set me in your presence.
I can’t say I’m ready to see you. But I can say the night of the shooting was, without question, your finest moment. And I’m keeping it. I’m keeping the moment and letting go of the rest. It’s a better place.
I’m letting go of it. All right? If it’s weighed heavy on you these years then put it down. Leave it in the corner. Go to sleep in a better place.
We own this place.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Hold them tight.
E Fish
“HEY BUDDY,” MIKE SAID. “How you doing?”
“Hanging in there,” Erik said. “Listen, I wanted to ask you something.”
“Shoot.”
“You said my dad wrote you letters. When you were in the Coast Guard or at college.”
“That’s right.”
“Did you keep any?”
A thoughtful silence in which Erik could see Mike pulling at his beard. “Well, that’s a good question,” he said. “I don’t remember having a ceremonial disposing of them, but that’s not to say they didn’t get scooped up and tossed during one clean-up or another.”
“I just wondered,” Erik said. “You told me in one of them he talked about the struggle after Pete went deaf. How hard it was when things were beyond your control. I don’t know. I got to thinking I’d like to read that if I could.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what, I’ll look. I have some boxes in the attic with old papers and such. I’ll certainly look and if I find any, I’ll send them to you.”
“Thanks,” Erik said. “No rush. I’m not expecting you to have kept them, but I thought I’d ask.”
They chatted a little and then hung up. Erik laced his hands behind his head and gazed up at the ceiling. Footsteps came into the living room behind him and he extended his fingers out. Daisy took them in hers.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” she asked, leaning over the back of his chair.
He didn’t. Then her perfume curled around his nose and he looked up. She was wearing her favorite black cashmere sweater, her necklace with the gold fish and the pearl and the matching pearl earrings. Her hair was fixed and she had a little lipstick on. She looked pretty and Erik could see the effort it took. He ran wet hands through his hair and put on a clean shirt before they left.
They parked in town and walked. No destination, just crisscrossing the grid of Saint John. Watching boats come in and out of the harbor, watching people going about their business, watching the world continuing to spin.
Hunger made a surprise appearance so they went into the Wharf Tavern. Nick behind the bar came around to hug them. “It’s good to see you out. I’ve been thinking about you guys. Come sit down.”
They sat kitty-corner at a little table with a bottle of wine and shared an order of fish stew, hot and creamy and loaded with good things. They dunked bread and fed each other shrimp and scallops and haddock. Not saying much but never breaking physical contact, their ankles woven under the table.
And over the rims of their wineglasses, they stared.
“I love nobody and nothing,” Erik said, “the way I love you.”
They ambled down Chester Street. Stopped in A Drink With Bread and Jam and bought a half-pound of their favorite loose leaf tea. Wandered through a bookstore. Looked in windows. Looked at each other.
“I’m having a good time,” Daisy said, picking a bit of something off his jacket then smoothing her hand down his chest.
He hooked his arm around her neck and inhaled deep on the crown of her head. Breathed in fresh air and the warm, clean scent of her hair.
“So am I,” he said.
They