outside her lands, you’re being sloppy and making waves. And those waves are splashing over into L.A.”
“You don’t understand,” Doug said, his crying finally dying down. “Tonight was the first time we tried to do this. We’re not vampires. We want to be, but we aren’t. We haven’t killed anyone yet. It was Hines. He must be recruiting more than just us. He’s the one you want.”
“You expect me to believe that a master vampire told you to dress like clowns and kill two women not for their blood, but for their bloomers?”
“It’s true!” Doug stood, dragging Chad to his feet with him.
“I told Lucy I should just kill whoever was responsible, but she insisted I give them a chance to pack up and leave first.”
“Please, don’t kill me,” Doug pleaded. “There really is a vampire named Hines.”
“Tell you what. I have to kill one of you just on principle,” Mickey said. “The first one of you that can tell me exactly how to find this Hines character lives a bit longer. The other dies, now.”
The men’s eyes grew wide. They glanced at each other frantically.
Chad looked back at Mickey. “Wait,” he said.
Doug pushed his friend to the couch. “Go five blocks east and take a left. He’s in an old white house with lime green shutters at the end of the cul-de-sac. You can’t miss it.” By the time he finished speaking, he was out of breath. He panted and smiled, then looked down at his injured friend on the couch. “Sorry, dude.”
Chad stared at him, his eyes wide with horror.
“Thanks,” Mickey said.
He grabbed Doug’s head with both hands and wrenched it to the side. Bones broke and ligaments and tendons popped as he twisted the man’s head around so it faced backward, then let the lifeless body drop to the couch. It landed with the head cocked at an awkward angle, face pointed toward the other man.
Chad found himself looking directly into Doug’s dead eyes. He wanted to run away, but he didn’t know where to run. Instead, he voiced the only semi-coherent thought in his head. “You said the quickest with the directions got to live.”
“Huh?” Mickey stroked a sideburn as he pondered this. “I guess I did, didn’t I. Oh well. I didn’t like him.”
“And you like me?”
“Not really, but you actually tried to fight me. Idiot human vampire wannabe number one there just rolled over. I hate wimps.”
Mickey picked Doug’s corpse up with one hand and tossed it into the corner, knocking over an end table covered with tiny unicorn figurines. He sat down on the couch next to Chad and made himself comfortable. “Tell me about this so-called master vampire.”
“Are you a vampire?” the man asked.
“No. I’m something much, much worse.” Mickey nodded toward Doug’s corpse. “Would you like me to give your neck the owl treatment as well?”
Chad shook his head as quickly as his body would allow it. “What do you want to know?”
“For starters, what does Hines look like?”
“He’s unremarkable. Looks like he’s in his thirties. Tall, with small, beady eyes. They’re always darting around. Even when he’s looking at you, it’s like he’s looking over your head or through you. He’s always rubbing his hands together and grinding his teeth while he sits on his big leather sofa.” Suddenly, Chad slid to the far side of the couch and pointed at the floor near Mickey’s feet. “What the hell?”
A bulging brown spider the size of a large hand was creeping toward him.
Mickey grabbed the heavy oak coffee table. He swung it with a snarl, slamming it into the spider. He lifted it and slammed it again, then once more. The wood splintered and opened a large crack in the floor.
He lifted his makeshift swatter, revealing a messy pile of twitching legs and spider innards. Then he slammed the table on it one final time and left it there.
“Are you familiar with the term overkill?” Chad asked.
Mickey shuddered. “I hate spiders.”
“You hate spiders or you’re afraid of spiders?”
He grabbed Chad by the throat and dragged him to his feet. “Oi … you. Shut up and start walking.”
Chad took a last look at his friend’s body. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt bad leaving him in a heap on the floor.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Mickey said, “I plan to burn the place down and make it look like an accident later.”
“It really doesn’t.”
They left the house and headed east.
“If you have issues with spiders,” Chad said, “you won’t