the rest of us, Sayid. That’s what I did. That’s why I wouldn’t have a relationship. Because I was too afraid of myself, of men. Too afraid to take a chance and simply trust myself or the people in my life. I hid behind my pain because it was easier than getting over it. Because it was safer. But I’m not safe. Admit it. That’s why you have to push me away, because you feel for me.”
“I don’t,” he growled.
“You do. If you didn’t then you could just go about your business. You could sleep with me without worrying about what I felt, without trying to scare me off. If you were a machine, then you wouldn’t care, but you do. You were given no more control in your life than I was, Sayid. Your uncle controlled you. He stole everything from you. He stole love, and happiness, and everything good, and he told you that you couldn’t have it. And when you were a boy, there was nothing you could do. Why would you argue when it was the reality you were given? But you’re a man now. Stand up and take it back. Take back what he took from you.”
“No. I will never be weak like that. Not again.”
“You think this is strength? Standing in the darkness, hiding yourself from the things in life that are real? From a nephew who would love you? Who would see you as his father? From the woman who loves you?”
“Chloe,” he bit out, pain assaulting him, “don’t.”
She shook her head. “No. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of being hurt. I don’t want to be, but I’m not hiding. I love you, Sayid.”
Everything in him wanted to pull her close to him, to take that love and fill himself with it. To turn the light on in his soul, her light, and fill all the dark corners with it.
To what end? To keep her until he drained her of the love she felt? Until she realized that she was wrong? That he couldn’t give what she thought he could?
Never. He would never do that to her. To her or to Aden.
“Don’t love me, Chloe.”
“It’s too late. And now you have to make a choice. Make a choice instead of simply accepting what life has given to you.”
“You think me passive? I’m a warrior.”
“Because it’s easier for you,” she said, her tone soft, steady. “Because it’s easier for you to go out and fight than to let yourself care.”
“I don’t want to care. I don’t care. And I don’t want your love.”
She drew back, as if he’d struck her, tears glistening in her blue eyes. “Coward,” she whispered, a tear sliding down her cheek, one she didn’t wipe away.
“Dammit, Chloe, how do you not understand? Men died because of me, because I couldn’t keep myself from acting with my heart. Sura...the pain she was put through, all because she loved me. That’s what happens when I feel, when I allow myself even one moment of escape from the hell I live in inside my own body. I cannot ever do it again. Not for you. Not for anyone. I’m going back to the city tomorrow,” he said. “You and Aden are welcome to stay on here for a while. It is quieter.”
“You mean you’re keeping me here,” she said.
“For a while.”
“Tell me you don’t love me, Sayid.”
He met her eyes, ignoring the burning in his chest, ignoring the clawing sense of suffocation. “I don’t love you.”
Another tear slid down her cheek, and in that moment, he would have gladly put his back to a whip and taken its blows. Anything other than facing her now. Than lying like this.
But it was for her. For both of them.
For Attar.
An ideal cannot fail.
She lifted her chin, her voice steady. “Then Aden and I will stay here for a while. Please have my whiteboards and books sent over.”
“I will.”
She turned away from him and he saw a tremor go through her body. “Sayid,” she said, without facing him again, “you taught me to take control of myself, of what I want, and for that, I can only thank you. I wish I could have helped you too. I wish I could have taken your burdens. Just for a while.”
She started to walk away, and he couldn’t stop the words that came spilling out of his mouth. “But my burdens aren’t yours to carry, habibti, and they never will be.” It was the kindest thing