someone like me could even dream that big. I’d just wanted to keep Ronan out of jail, and I wanted the pain of losing him to go away, and last on that sad list, I’d wanted to sing, and Leo made me feel like my future hinged on spreading my legs for him.
So, I’d caved and done it.
It was horrible and demeaning, and I’d silently wept through the whole, thankfully short ordeal. Throwing up in the recording studio bathroom afterward because even though I’d already lost Ronan, it’d felt like I’d cheated on him and disgraced us both. I vowed to myself to never do it again, even if I lost my contract. But I never had to make that decision, because by the next week, a new singer who was even younger than me had caught Leo’s eye.
Shamefully glad, I kept recording my debut album.
I had to sing my songs. I’d needed to give the world the words that poured out of my broken heart, even though I knew it was never going to bring Ronan back. But I had to keep going, because I didn’t have anything else.
I’d never wanted to get handled, used, and taken advantage of at every turn. I didn’t want to become a megastar that had rabid fans breaking into every hotel I ever stayed at. I didn’t want my entire life on display twenty-four seven. I didn’t want to lose my virginity to a fifty-something-year-old man who’d pushed me into giving up the one thing I’d had left that’d been completely mine.
As if reading every one of my thoughts, Ronan’s nostrils flared and his hands fisted. “You should have told me.”
Bitter laughter twisted past my cynical lips. “And you would have done what? Come home from war when you weren’t even speaking to me and save me from the big, bad music industry?”
“Yes,” he ground out.
I didn’t know if it was the fourth note or this conversation or finally being alone with him after all these years and having it be so far from what I wanted, but something inside me snapped. Anger swelled to the point of no return, and consuming, raw defeat that I’d lived with for so long gripped my throat and threatened to take all my words, but I didn’t let it.
Not this time.
“I was powerless,” I forced out. “I was always going to be powerless once I signed that contract, but it was my decision, Ronan. My life. My choice. And I made it. I signed the stupid contract with that deplorable man, and every terrible thing that could’ve happened, happened, and not just to me, but to everyone I ever cared about. And yes, I care about your brother too, but the fact remains that I set all of this in motion and I’m still standing. I made it and here I stand.” Tears of rage, regret and pain welled, and I thumped my fist against my chest. “I’m responsible for all of it, good and bad, and this voice served me well. Because of it, I’m not powerless anymore. Never again will I be in that position. So, if you want to judge me, go right ahead. Keep blaming me for what happened. Blame your brother. I don’t care anymore. I can’t change you any more than I can change the past.”
“I do blame my brother,” he bit out. “For many reasons, but I never would’ve let you walk that path alone.”
“Maybe not, but you still wanted to control me.” Holding on to the past, I threw the accusation out in anger, but I no longer knew if I believed it.
“You’re letting Vance control you,” he accused.
Self-righteous indignation flared. “Vance gave me something you never did.” I hated myself for what I was going to say next, but I said it anyway. “He gave me power.”
“Power?” Ronan spit out with barely veiled disgust before stepping in to my personal space and dropping his voice to enunciate each of his next words. “He. Beats. You.”
“I let him!” I screamed, hating this conversation, hating who I’d become, hating him for judging me and hating even more that I was defending myself. “He trained me in martial arts, and we fight. He hits, but I hit back. Then I take that power.” My fist thumped again, my sore chest smarting. “I take it and I turn it around, and I fight. I fight for myself.”
Ronan’s face twisted and the reserved demeanor I used to cherish, feed off and breathe