My military commander's voice is in my head. He said it in Bootcamp, and I didn't fully believe him until I was in battle, and it proved to be true.
"If you start to kill someone, whether it's with a gun or your bare hands, there's a moment you have an opportunity to hesitate. Whoever hesitates dies."
She shudders, and my blood pounds in my ears.
I don't want this for her. She's already been through several lifetimes of horror. But I understand her need to learn how to defend herself.
I continue in a low voice. "The moment it's clear there's no other way, you don't stop and think. When it's over, that's when the demons catch up."
"But they are bad people. I wouldn't have remorse."
I kiss her and hold her head. "I know you, my Little Diva. You are strong enough to do it, but you'll have new demons to deal with. You need to be prepared. Once the act is done, you can't stay and hang about. You have to remove yourself from the situation and not break down. And the nightmares that follow—"
"Won't be any worse than the ones I have now."
I roll over, so I'm hovering over her body. "You have nightmares?"
She nods. "I haven't since I've been with you, but I...I relive things. Since I stopped using cocaine, I have them all the time. There's no way to hide from them anymore."
My heart breaks, staring into my beautiful Little Diva's eyes, seeing the pain she suffers. I know the ghosts that can steal your sleep and consume your nights. I understand how real they can make your previous experiences feel over and over. But I don't know what to do to prevent them, so I do the only thing I know how. I kiss her and continue to make her mine.
Our bodies become one, limbs entwined, and the need for each other as potent as ever. When we've climaxed and caught our breath, I stroke her head until she falls asleep. And that's when my new demons catch up with me.
What if she's right and they find us, and I can't protect her?
It nags at me all night, burning in my veins. And the answer becomes clear. There is only one option. As much as I don't want to admit it, I must prepare her for the worst and have faith she won’t ever have to put anything I show her into practice.
But the voice in my head, and the twisting in my gut won’t stop. Danger is something I know. It’s a part of my life. I feel it getting closer. But I don’t know what it looks like or how it’s coming at us, and that makes me really uncomfortable.
20
Zoe
Sunlight barely penetrates the dark sheet. There are no other windows in the back of the van. When I open my eyes, Dirk is gazing at the ceiling, lost in thought. I reach up and trace his jaw.
He turns.
"Hey, Country Boy. Why do you look so serious this early in the morning?"
His lips are like a magnet to mine, and he kisses me while palming my ass. "It's still early. But we should get back on the road soon."
"Okay. Can I go to the bathroom first?"
"Yes, and before we go, I want to show you a few things."
"What?"
"How to defend yourself."
The hairs on my arm stand up. "All right. Is that what you look so worried about?"
He tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. "I don't entertain the thought of you being alone and having to fight someone off. I hate the notion that it could happen, and I wouldn't be there to protect you. But I need to put my ego aside and make sure that under no circumstance do you not have a fighting chance to get away should anyone try to harm you."
My gut flips, but I try to lighten the atmosphere. "So you do admit you have a big ego?"
He kisses me again so deeply my flutters take off, and I moan. "Only if you admit you love it."
"I love everything about you," I blurt out.
He freezes. His lips twitch, and eyes crinkle. "That's good. I love everything about you."
"I know. You've been obsessed with me forever, remember?"
He straddles my body then tickles me. "I should show you what obsessed is like.”