and even the cheapest prepaid phone. Where had all my money gone? I had gotten so wrapped up in Jack's spendthrift mentality that I had blown way more money than I had intended on coffee and lunches.
For the first and probably only time ever, I was enraged at myself for putting my graduation money toward my student loans instead of creating an emergency fund for a time like this. I guess it had seemed like it was the right thing to do given my desire to be responsible.
However, that money would have totally saved my ass right now.
My pillow absorbed the majority of my tears as I sobbed my heart out, regretting almost everything that I had done in the past few months. It hurt to fail at being an adult, to accept additional responsibilities and keep your act together. Why didn't I want anyone to help me? What made doing everything by yourself so damn appealing?
I had told my parents I didn't want them to pay my cell phone bill anymore, even though they wanted to keep me on the family plan after I left for NYC. I was really regretting that decision now. Should I pay the rent and cripple my ability to communicate? Try to work something out with the landlord?
Well, as long as it didn't involve sleeping with him or something, it couldn't hurt to try, could it?
The rest of the day passed by in a haze. I felt delirious, like I was sick with the flu, minus any real symptoms. The world was hard to perceive and understand as it stood.
I came to a couple of conclusions as the day dragged on, night rapidly overwhelming the city. No, I wasn't ready to ask Jack for help, especially not since I had temporarily broken things off with him in an attempt to assert my dominance as a functioning, productive, working member of society. I didn't want to be wishy-washy.
I didn't want to tell Jesse about it either. He didn't need any additional stress from me, especially not when my poor decisions could negatively affect his living situation. I had to do whatever it took to ensure that my fuck up stayed as far away from him as possible.
The burden would have to fall on my parents. I couldn't subject anyone else to it. They had already witnessed me at my most humble more than one time in my life. I would probably be scolded, but I guess a verbal lashing would be better than being homeless and penniless.
As I prepared to attempt to dial my mom's number, Jesse knocked on my door. "Hey, Effie. Do you want me to deliver the checks tomorrow?" He talked through the wood, and I was okay with that.
Fuck.
"Uh. You don't have to," I said. "You always do it, so I guess it's my turn."
He opened the door and stuck his head in. "Effie, it's really no problem. I know the landlord well. He's super nice."
I gulped, hoping that it wasn't too apparent that I had been sobbing. I needed an excuse. "I don't know where my checkbook is right now and I wanna finish this movie first. Just let me take the checks to him, okay?"
He looked at my buried position on the bed, my whole body under the blankets, my laptop sitting on my chest. "Yeah, okay. Just don't forget!" he said.
"Yeah, yeah, Jesse. I won't." Little did he know, rent was essentially the only fucking thing I could think about, even with the movie blasting from my speakers.
He went back to his room after that and my heart rate slowed to normal. Dammit, I wasn't going to be able to call my mom tonight. Today had been rough enough to me already. I would call her tomorrow—if I could physically bring myself to do it.
I really wanted to think about Jack. Every moment that I spent thinking about him calmed me, brought me back to that place where everything seemed to effortless and obvious. And then, I'd return to the very painful fact that I didn't have a plan for myself.
Back and forth, all night long.
***
The next morning I awoke covered in sweat, my dreams having been nothing but nightmares. My plan for the day involved calling my mother and begging for both help and forgiveness. I wasn't going to tell her that I lost my job, just that I had overspent like an idiot and needed money until my next paycheck. I couldn't even start to explain