Hardwood - K.M. Neuhold Page 0,27
both knew that was a lie. Livi’s conception was the first time we’d had sex in three years, and it didn’t happen again after that.”
He gives a humorless laugh, and I try not to look too sympathetic, because I know that’s not what he’s looking for.
“You don’t have to tell me all of this if you don’t want to,” I assure him.
“No, it’s actually kind of nice to get it off my chest. I’ve never talked about this with anyone,” he says.
“Okay, keep it coming then,” I prompt.
“God, this is fucking embarrassing, but for a while I was telling myself I couldn’t get it up because of stress and that it didn’t have anything to do with not wanting to have sex with Val. The first time I really knew I was fooling myself was a few months after Livi was born. Val hired a landscaping company because she didn’t have the energy to garden with a colicky newborn to deal with and didn’t want to miss the planting window for the spring. I can remember sending her to take a nap while I handled the baby for a few hours, and Livi was quiet in her swing, so I was letting her be. I happened to wander over by the window. I’m not sure how long I stood there staring at those gardeners, their sweat drenched shirts clinging to their bodies. One of them lifted his shirt up to wipe his face, and his abs were glistening with sweat. It wasn’t the first time I got hard looking at a man, obviously, but it was the first time I couldn’t come up with a single lie to tell myself. I just stood there hard enough to pound nails, staring at a couple of sweat drenched dudes.”
It’s so inappropriate to get hard while Ev is spilling his guts to me, but in my defense, I was already hard before his story about ogling the gardeners.
“Small world, I fooled around with our neighbor’s gardener when I was seventeen,” I confess with a laugh to lighten the mood a little.
Ev chuckles and shakes his head. “Sometimes I wish I had. I think I would have less guilt about being caught cheating with the gardener than over the fact that I stayed for another three years until Val was so lonely and frustrated that she’s the one who ended up cheating.”
“Ouch, that must’ve been rough.”
“I was relieved,” he says. “I felt horrible, because Val was crying her eyes out and feeling like such a villain, and all I could think was fucking finally.”
“Is that why you haven’t dated since the divorce? You feel guilty?” I guess. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to wait so long to embrace who he really is. If I was in his position, I think I might’ve gone out and joined an all-male orgy the minute the divorce was finalized.
“I don’t know,” he answers. “It was a lot to process emotionally. I was glad it was over, but it was also a huge change. I hadn’t lived a minute of my adult life without Val right next to me, so figuring out how to do everything for myself on top of learning how to be a parent all on my own, I didn’t even have time to think about dating.”
“But you’re ready now?”
He’s been looking anywhere but at me this entire conversation, but now he meets my eyes. There are so many emotions dancing across his face: uncertainty, eagerness, shyness, hope…
“I think I am.” He doesn’t break eye contact as he says it, and my dumbass heart flutters. I know he doesn’t mean me, and I certainly don’t want him to. He has wild oats to sow, and I’ve been a wild oat way too many times. I need someone who’s in the same place I am, ready to get serious and settle down. Even if Ev is ridiculously hot and I want to lick every inch of him, I can’t. I can’t. Seriously, I can’t.
“Good, that’s good.” I clear my throat and force myself to break eye contact, turning back to face the movie before I can jump the poor man.
When the movie ends, I clean up our empty containers and try to come up with something to tempt Ev to stay a little longer. Sadly, I don’t come up with anything before he stands up from the couch and eyes the door.
“This was fun, thanks for inviting me over,” he says.
“Anytime you want