I supposed to answer that? It’s exactly what I had planned, but it didn’t seem so bad in my mind. Now that I hear it coming from his lips, it makes me sound like the biggest bitch in the world. I try to jerk away from him, needing to put some space between us, but he only tightens his hold.
Tears fill my eyes as his fingers dig into my flesh. “Let go of me, Round. You’re hurting my arm.”
He loosens his hold on my arm, but he doesn’t let me go. “I will let go when you talk to me and tell me what the fuck is going on.”
My mind moves at lightning speed, trying to come up with a response. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want to hear the truth come out of your lips at least once.” He jerks his head toward the hallway.” If I go in our bedroom, am I gonna see all your shit packed up? Are you already packed to leave me?”
For some reason, his words irritate me, and I can’t hold my tongue. “If they are, it wouldn’t be any different than normal. My shit has always been in bags. I have been living out of a suitcase the whole damn time I’ve been here.”
Round finally lets go and takes a step back, running a hand through his hair. “I told you we’d move all of Lauren’s stuff to the attic. You’re the one who said you didn’t want me to do that. You said it wouldn’t be right.”
“Considering I’ve been living here for months, you were a little late on that offer,” I reply, not caring how harsh I sound. “It doesn’t count if you only make the offer when you think I’m heading out the door.”
I can see the affect my words are having on him. A part of me wants to reach up and cup his cheek, tell him that everything is going to be okay. That would be a lie, though, and I’m done lying. It’s time to tell him everything in my heart.
“You’ve kept me on the back burner for years. I understood it when Lauren was alive, but after she died…” My voice goes to a whisper as I go on. “When she died and you brought me home with you, I thought I was gonna get to have all of you. She’s gone. She’s not coming back, but I’m here. I’ve been here. If you want to be with me, I need to feel like I matter. But there’s no way for that to happen, even with her shit gone. I’m a whore. I’ve always been a whore, and that’s all I’ll ever be.”
I can tell my words hit him hard by the look on his face. He takes a step back toward me, shaking his head. “No, you used to be a club whore, but since we’ve been together, you’ve turned down anyone else. A whore doesn’t do that. My biggest regret is saying that shit about you. I didn’t mean it, and I never should’ve said it. I may not have always treated you like you deserved to be treated, but I promise, I’m gonna work on that.”
I want to believe what he’s saying, but I’m scared. My eyes go to his, tears pooling in their depths. “Do you know what it feels like to be forced to compete with a ghost? Can you imagine being in love with someone that you know will never love you back?”
Round reaches for me again, pulling me against his chest. “Did you just say that you loved me?”
“Out of all that, that’s the only thing you heard?” I let out a bitter laugh and bury my head against his cut.
He chuckles, rubbing his hands up and down my back. “I love you, too, Lisa. Never have I ever loved anyone the way I love you.”
My head snaps back, and I look into his coffee colored eyes. “What did you say?”
He doesn’t repeat himself. Instead, he says, “I wouldn’t know what to do without you. You mean everything to me, and I should’ve let you know that a long time ago. You started out as my friend and were there when I needed someone the most. I tried to keep you away because I felt guilty about loving you more than I did Lauri. It felt so wrong to love you and not love the mother of my children, but I couldn’t help it.