her but she just batted it away, unbothered and possibly a little buzzed, if her terrible coordination was any indication. “Really, though. If he wants to sleep with you for his own end, why not play his game but make your own rules? You can’t tell me you aren’t attracted to him. Your entire face changes when you talk about him. And it has since you first stumbled into my store all lost and alone. He’s like your magnetic north. No matter what direction you’re spinning, your needle always points back to Huck.”
Mercer wasn’t wrong. I could spin and spin until I was so dizzy I made myself sick, but as soon as the world stopped being a blur, the first thing I saw clearly was Huck. Maybe she was right, and I should give in, even if the reasons were far from ideal. It wasn’t like I viewed sex as something sacred and pure. I knew it could be used just as quickly as a weapon as it was a form of affection. My emotions were so shredded and worn after years of being used against me, I was confident I could have sex and keep what little feeling I had left separate from the act itself. The tricky part was, the few remaining bits of softness and sentiment that remained inside my heart all happened to be tied to Huck. If I was contemplating emotionless sex with anyone else to prove a point, it would be no problem. Since it was him, I worried my walls would never be high enough—or thick enough—to keep me safe and him at a distance.
“You’re telling me to sleep with him and show him that it means nothing to me so he won’t even bother to ghost me afterward?” It sounded so ugly, but it might be the only way I could keep my dignity as well as a roof over my head.
“You keep saying you know him inside and out, but he doesn’t know you, Ollie. He has no clue what you’ve been through or how tough you had to become once he was gone. He’s trying to provoke you to get his own way. He doesn’t care if he hurts you. I think it is fair you hurt him first.” She took a long sip of her frozen drink and clumsily reached for the bowl of chips. She was typically all about peace and love; it was weird to hear her be so ruthless out of nowhere.
“Isn’t your usual advice to hug it out and hope for the best?” Plus, I already hurt him first. When he thought I picked Sawyer over him, I would never forget the look of absolute heartbreak on his face. Uncomfortable with those memories, I quickly changed the subject. “What’s going on with you lately? First, you disappear for days on end, and then when you resurface, you seem totally on edge.” I motioned to the nearly empty glass in front of her. “You’re also drinking more than normal. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Mercer stared at her lime green drink for a long moment, her rainbow hair falling in front of her face. “I’m fine. I just really like this new guy I’m seeing. I like him more than he likes me, I think.” She sighed dramatically and stirred her straw around her drink. “I want to see him and talk to him all day every day, but he’s more reserved and kind of distant. Sometimes I get the feeling I’m annoying him.” She pushed her drink to the side and folded her arms on the table, leaning closer so she could talk in a quieter voice. “And he’s nowhere near as touchy-feely and affectionate as I am. He barely lets me hold his hand or hug him. And…” she trailed off as her eyebrows furrowed. “We haven’t had sex yet. I mean, no judgment, everyone moves at their own pace, but we’ve been hanging out for a while now, and he hasn’t tried to initiate anything. When I try, he always finds an excuse to pull away. If he wasn’t so sweet and shy, I’d think he was playing the opposite game with me that Huck is playing with you. I’m frustrated, and it’s starting to hurt my feelings. It has me wondering what’s wrong with me.”
She pouted prettily, so I reached across the table and patted her on the arm. She was the one person who’d been there for me without question when