want to have. Fi being keen and ambitious, whilst slightly threatening and nauseous, is useful. She’ll really want to crack this. I’ve slept with both Mark and Tom, although neither of them knows about the other. (FYI, Mark is better-looking, Tom is better in bed. He tries harder.) It should be easy to keep their attention. Especially as by happy chance I am wearing an unnecessarily tight T-shirt and bootleg jeans that cling in all the right places. I haven’t slept with Gray so the outfit will be doubly effective. Debs and Di like to keep in with me as I occasionally give them tips on hair conditioners or the latest ‘must have’ fashion statement. Ricky’s gay so he does the same for me.
‘Afternoon,’ I breeze.
‘Afternoon,’ they mumble sulkily. For a nanosecond I think they are going to add ‘miss’, but they don’t.
‘What’s this?’ I ask, pointing sceptically towards a cardboard box in the centre of the table. It’s overflowing with balloons, Christmas decorations, crayons, sticky-backed plastic, old magazines, a toy trumpet, several Comic Relief noses and a cappuccino.
‘Oh, that’s my coffee,’ says Di, reaching into the box and rescuing her drink. She takes a huge slurp, oblivious to my disdain.
‘Yes, that’s clear. What is the rest of it?’ I fear Debs has been let down by her childminder again and had to bring her five-year-old son into work. I hope not – Bale just isn’t in the mood.
‘It’s the creativity box,’ pipes up Fi, enthusiasm oozing from every pore. I look at her, waiting for a more meaningful explanation. She tries, ‘It’s to help stimulate more creative thoughts.’ Even if I hadn’t read Fi’s CV I would know by this comment that she had an idyllic childhood, went to the best public schools for young ladies and had a father who adored her. How else could she be this happy with life? I think I’ll piss on her parade.
‘Remind me, Fi, which industry do we work in?’
‘TV.’ She looks cautiously around the room, unsure where this questioning is going.
‘And wouldn’t you agree that TV is generally considered a creative industry?’
‘Well, yes, but—’
‘We’re not bloody management consultants, we don’t need sticky-backed plastic to prove we are capable of ideas.’ I don’t raise my voice. I don’t have to. She sheepishly drags the box off the table and tries to hide it behind the more conventional ideas aid, the flip chart. The others disloyally look away, distancing themselves from her. That doesn’t impress me either.
‘OK. You have read the brief. We have to come up with a hero show, something that will draw in the viewers and the advertisers; interest of the press would be a bonus. Mr Bale has articulated the problem here, rather succinctly, I’m sure you’ll agree.’ I read, ‘“We need a ‘bang-those-bastards-and-their-new-shows-in-to-the-ground-idea”.’ The team treat themselves to a nervous giggle. I’m tough, but Bale is a tosser and our common loathing of him unites us again. I roll up my sleeves and sit on the side of the table, smiling and allowing the good humour to penetrate. ‘So what’s the competition doing?’
‘ITV are concentrating on their main stable of shows, successful soaps, quiz games that make people rich and buying in blockbuster films that earned a fortune in the box office. Here’s their schedule for the next four months. The docusoap features heavily too,’ says Ricky. He’s done his homework efficiently. Unfortunately the news is depressing. The room falls silent again; the good mood has evaporated.
‘What about Channel 4’s scheduling this year?’ asks Fi hopefully.
‘Just as strong,’ adds Ricky, embarrassed to be twisting the knife. ‘They have everything. Arts, music, drama, comedy, entertainment, lifestyle, leisure, documentaries, film premières and something called “4 later”.’
‘What’s that – porn?’ asks Mark.
‘I don’t expect they even need porn,’ answers Tom.
I read the descriptor. ‘It’s porn,’ I assure. No one knows whether we should be glad that C4 have resorted to this or depressed because it will be a crowd pleaser. I clap my hands. ‘OK, to business. No idea is a daft idea, any thoughts, please?’ I pick up the marker and stand with my pen poised in front of the flip chart.
Silence.
‘Come on,’ I encourage. ‘Don’t let those schedules intimidate you. I really think you can overestimate a period drama with high production values, big stars and great plots. I think they are too highbrow. Let’s catch another niche market.’
Fi gets it. ‘Drama is too expensive for TV6. Entertainment is cheap.’
‘Exactly,’ I bolster. ‘With entertainment the main outgoing is people’s