I didn’t move. I let him react the way he needed to react and stayed quiet while he did it.
It was heartbreakingly sad Gabe used things to make himself feel better instead of turning to his mother or the people around him, who obviously cared a great deal about him. But who was I to judge how he dealt with his pain. It wasn’t like he was hurting anyone, and to use his earlier statement he didn’t drink it, inject it, or gamble away his problems.
“Something else you need to know.” And at his tone I braced. “I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve had women come in and out of my life but I’ve never committed or been exclusive with any of them. They were there and then they weren’t. I never contemplated a wife or family to the point I knew I never wanted either. To me a woman and especially a kid meant responsibility. They meant being tied down and obligation.”
This was not good news and I hadn’t braced hard enough. His admission stung in ways I didn’t know words could sting. I wanted a family. I wanted commitment. I wanted a loving marriage with a man I looked forward to growing old with. And I really wanted children.
“What?” My voice was barely above a whisper and I wasn’t sure he even heard me.
None of that jibed with him asking me to take a chance and it certainly didn’t correspond with our birth control talk. He hadn’t freaked out that we’d had sex without a condom—an oversight that very well could lead to a child—he’d simply asked if I was protected.
“That’s how I know.”
“Know what?”
“That not making moves to convince you to stay here with me will be my biggest regret. One I cannot live with. When I tell you I never wanted a relationship I mean I actively did everything I could to avoid it. I went to great pains to make sure no woman ever got the wrong idea. I know it makes me sounds like all sorts of a dick but the thought of being saddled with the weight of a family made my skin crawl.
“Now, after meeting you—and that was meeting you in the sense that I laid eyes on you—it’s the opposite. Every time I’ve thought about you leaving and going back to California, not being close to me, I feel fear. My gut twists and my thoughts turn dark. That’s why I stopped fighting. That’s why I will not question how it’s possible. That’s why I’m prepared to do whatever I have to do to convince you to give up your life in Riverton and move here. That’s why I’m sure. Because before you, I was surrounded by people but lonely as fuck and I thought I was okay with that. But now, I know what it feels like to have you close and I know I cannot live without you.”
I was no stranger to heavy breathing when I was next to Gabe, most especially when we were in a bed. But right then my breaths were coming out in ragged pants and it had nothing to do with both of us being naked, nothing to do with my hand resting on his bare chest, not one single thing to do with my leg being draped over his, both of those bare. There was skin-on-skin contact from my chest to my knees but I wasn’t thinking about any of that.
I’m falling for you.
My biggest regret.
I feel fear.
He’d also said: You make me want to grab ahold of you and never let anyone take you from me.
Not only had he told me that, he made me feel it. He’d curled his arm around my shoulders and physically held me close and I swear never in my life had I felt more wanted.
I’d spent my life taking care of myself. I went to the college I wanted even though it meant leaving my high school boyfriend behind. I’d moved back home after I graduated college and that ended a relationship I thought had potential but we were going in two different directions and I wasn’t going to follow him to New York. Then when I left Wisconsin to move to California I hadn’t thought twice about breaking up a semi-serious relationship.
Three times I’d chosen myself. Three times I hadn’t batted an eye. I didn’t regret those decisions. But, like Gabe, I would regret not giving us a chance. I could work from anywhere. I