hard on me, always pushed me. Over the past couple of years, he has been increasing the intensity to which he rides me. The badgering gets more extreme every time he visits.
I shut the books on my bed and stack them up on my dresser. My mind is reeling. It always is after a visit from my dad. I couldn’t focus now if I wanted to. “I need a beer.”
“Or ten,” Ben says as we exit the bedroom.
My brain has been a mass of mush since my dad’s visit a week ago. I can’t focus on anything other than what I’m going to do with my life. For some reason, maintaining the status quo isn’t sitting well with me. I have this unsettling feeling that I need to do something, make some decision.
“Hey, you okay?” Stella asks from across the table at the library where we’ve been sitting for the past three hours.
“Yeah, my brain’s fried, Stell. I’m gonna head back.” I stand and pack my books into my backpack.
“Okay. See you tomorrow.”
“Sounds good,” I answer.
It’s dark outside when I exit the library. I pull out my phone to find several missed texts from Lily. I type out a quick reply just to let her know that I’ve been studying, and I promise to text her later.
I can’t get what my father said out of my head—not the complaints about football, but what he said about Lily. For once, I’m unable to stop his words from penetrating. They’re stuck so far in that they are all I think about anymore.
I think his words affected me so much because, deep down, I’ve been thinking the same thing for a long time. I don’t want to drag Lily down. I want her to be happy. How can she be happy when she is always waiting around for me? She’s sitting idle, hoping to receive calls, texts or any feeble amount of attention I can spare to throw her way. How can I make her happy when, honestly, she’s last on my priority list? That isn’t fair to her. She deserves so much better than what I can offer her right now.
My dad is right. What Lily and I have is real. It will still be there when I’m done with school, and then I can focus on her. She is my forever.
I know that letting Lily go, allowing her to experience college life without the stress of our long-distance relationship, is the right thing to do. I just don’t know if I have the courage to do it.
My phone buzzes with an incoming text. I look to see a message from Ben.
Ben: We’re going out for a few drinks. Come with?
With all of my upcoming homework assignments coming to mind, my automatic response is no, yet I know I won’t be able to focus anyway. What’s the point of going back to an empty apartment just to perseverate on all the shit in my head?
I type out my response.
Me: Sure. Be back in 5.
Ben: What? That’s a yes? falling over from shock
Me: Dumbass.
I shake my head, a smile forming on my face, as I put my phone back into my pocket.
The bar is jammed full with people. I’ve always found it odd that Sunday night is such a popular bar night at college. Then again, who am I kidding? The bars are full here every night of the week.
Somehow, my intended drink or two has turned into eight or ten. I’ve honestly lost count.
“I’ve got the next round!” Jerome shouts across the table.
“Dude!” I yell, which isn’t really an adequate response. Does my dude mean hell yes or no way? I don’t know. I’m not sure of much at this point, except for the welcome lightness of my head and heaviness of my limbs.
It’s amazing how clear everything appears when one has a few—or nine—drinks. I turn to Ben, who is sitting at my side. The noise surrounding us is too loud for others to hear me speak.
I lean in toward his ear. “I think I need to break up with Lily for a while.”
His eyes go big as he faces me. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I think it’s the right thing to do,” I explain.
“I think you’ve become a lightweight. How many have you had anyway?”
“Not sure, but I’m serious, man. I have to. It’s the only way.”