“I’m sorry,” is all I can say. I stand and hurriedly get dressed.
“Don’t. Please don’t,” she begs.
“I have to go. I’m sorry.” I start my retreat.
“Jax!” Lily screams.
I twist to face her. Tears are falling from her face.
“Don’t do this. Don’t leave me.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
“You’re breaking my heart,” she cries. “Please stay.”
“I told you, Lil. I’m broken,” I say sadly, a surge of helplessness consuming me. “I love you, Little. I think as much as any person can love another. But I’m not in a good place right now. I’ve got to get out of this depression I’m in. I have to fix myself before I can start a life with you. I’m so sorry to hurt you again. I’m trying. I’m really trying to make it back to you. I’ll be trying forever, and I just hope that when I make it back to you, it won’t be too late.”
With that, I turn and walk away to the sound of her heart shattering—again.
I turn off my office light and make my way toward the elevators. There is no one here, and the dark halls are eerily quiet. It’s been a long day. I grab my cell and see a few missed texts from Landon, Ben, and Mom. I read them quickly before putting my phone back into my pocket.
I exit the office building, and the cool night air feels good. I inhale deeply, and the smell of the burgers coming from the pub down the street invades my nose, making my stomach growl. I’m tempted to go grab a bite to eat, but I opt to just go home. I’ve been living off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, poached eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches, and tuna melts for months now. One of my staples will be fine for tonight, too. It’s not that I am incapable of cooking some decent food. I just don’t have the desire to do so.
It’s been a little over a month since Lily’s birthday. It was another month filled with remorse.
I fist my hands in my hair. I’m so frustrated. I’m so tired of it all. My time with Lily under our tree on her birthday took me ten steps back, returning me to about the same place I was after Stella’s death. It wasn’t quite as bad but still bad. I don’t want to be back in that place. I want to move on, but I simply can’t, and I’m not sure why.
I hate that I’m hurting Lily. I absolutely loathe it, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t get to the state of mind where moving on from Stella feels right, where it feels okay. The mere idea of it brings a wave of guilt over me, and I feel as if I’m being unfaithful to Stella, as if I am tarnishing her memory in some way.
I still feel Stella everywhere. She’s at work. She’s in our home. She’s ingrained in my memories. I can’t escape her, and until I do, I can’t move on. Doing so would cause her pain, or my perceived memory of her pain, and I’m just not able to do that to her.
I unlock my front door, and I am immediately met with a meow.
“Hey, Buddha. What? Did you run out of food, Fatty Fat?”
He purrs loudly as he rubs his side against my leg.
I bend and pick up the chubby monster, and he nudges his head into my neck, purring.
“Should we have tuna melts tonight? I know how you love tuna,” I say in an oversweet voice. I’m glad that no one else is here to hear me.
Amy and Landon dropped by a couple of months ago with this obese cat they rescued from the local animal shelter. They insisted that I needed a pet. I disagreed with them, considering I could barely take care of myself. But they persisted until I relented, and I agreed to keep him on a trial basis. I consented to take him for a week, and I was sure I would return him after my trial ended, yet that furry ball of fatness had me wrapped around his paw on the first day.
I’ve always thought of myself as a dog person. I never thought I’d have a cat, but as Amy pointed out, cats are low maintenance, unlike dogs. All Buddha needs is his water dish, food dish, and a litter box while I’m gone, and I’m gone a lot. I work very long days,