to New York. They have all gone unanswered, except for his one response.
Jax: I can’t.
I’m not sure what he means. Can’t what? Text? Call? Date? Right now? Ever?
I stopped texting him after his response, but I miss him. I’m worried about him. Regardless of whether I approved of his union with Stella, he lost someone he cared about. He’s hurting, and I can’t do anything to help him. He won’t let me in.
I know he feels guilty about what happened between us several nights after the funeral. Am I a horrible person because I don’t regret it? Perhaps. Was it too soon? Yes, it probably was. But it happened, and I will never wish it didn’t. I will never regret any moment that I’ve shared with Jax.
I’m not glad that Stella is gone. I would never wish that fate on anyone. My heart breaks for her, her family, and Jax. Yet I would be lying if I said that I don’t feel slightly better, knowing the fact that her sickness was a major factor in Jax’s decision to marry her. Because it does. Jax has never admitted to me that was the reason he married her, but I know it was. Even though the whole situation is heartbreaking all around, that little tidbit gives me hope for my future with Jax.
“One iced coffee and one overly priced egg.” Charlie places my order on the table.
“Excuse me, it’s a portobello and aged Asiago omelet,” I say in my best snooty voice. “And it’s delicious.”
Charlie takes the chair across the table. “It’s egg, cheese, and fungus.”
“Hush it.” I laugh, ripping off a piece of my omelet and tossing it at her.
She leans to the side, dodging my feeble attempt. Sitting up, she pulls a piece off of her muffin and plops it into her mouth. “So, if a bird eats that, you will totally have contributed to its cannibalism.”
“The bird will get over it.”
Charlie nods toward my laptop. “Have you even looked at your pictures?”
I glance back down to the photos that I am supposed to be editing. “No.”
“Still no word from Jax?”
I sigh. “No. How long should I wait until I reach out to him again?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “No clue. You know him better than anyone. What do you think?”
“I wish I knew. This is new territory for us.”
I let my mind wander back to the funeral. The funeral itself was one of the most beautiful but tragic things I’ve ever seen. It was a rare situation where I didn’t even know what to say to Jax. He seemed to be in his own dark world at the funeral, and I let him be. I wasn’t exactly sure what he needed, but I did know that he needed that time to say good-bye to Stella.
The atmosphere at the restaurant was so much different. It truly was a celebration, which was what Stella’s parents said they wanted it to be when they gave their little speech at the beginning. Words can’t describe how nice it was to have my family with the Porters again. I feel awful when I think about how much I enjoyed that time together, considering the reason that had brought us all there. But everything finally felt right again.
Once the drinks started flowing, all the awkwardness between Jax and me vanished. We stopped overthinking things. We stopped worrying about what was appropriate for two friends in our situation to say or do and what wasn’t. We just lived in the moment—for the first time in three years, it seems. Letting go of the hurt and dancing with Jax at that country-western bar was therapy at its finest.
Perhaps the events at Jax’s house were rushed. At least for Jax and his mental well-being, they were. But the entire three days were so amazing. I needed that time with him. Connecting with Jax in that way filled a void in my soul that only he could fill. Parts of me that have been dormant for so long were finally allowed to breathe.
I know now, like I’ve always known deep down, that there is only one person on this earth made for me. Could I be happy, living my life without Jax? I suppose I could. I am so much stronger and self-assured than I’ve ever been. I know I could live a meaningful life, despite my desire to be with Jax. But I don’t want to.
The thing about happiness is that it comes in different degrees. I’m happy now.