one person—that makes it all go away, that quiets the white noise of discontent surrounding me.
My Lily.
When I’m with Lily, the cloud of stress that weighs on me like a heavy fog lifts, and I can finally breathe. She makes everything okay, bringing me back to my center where the chaos sleeps and the peace lives.
“Porter!”
I jump, and my startled reflection stares back at me from the locker room mirror.
“Yes, Coach?” I turn away from the mirror.
“You ready? Your head in the game?”
“Yes, Coach,” I lie.
“You sure? Your shit together?” He lifts an unsympathetic eyebrow.
He’s thinking of the interception I threw last week. I know it. I’ve had to go over that play all week while hearing shit from my coaches and my father. Yes, I made a bad throw. No, it didn’t cost us the game.
“But it could have. Mistakes like those aren’t acceptable.” My father’s words ring in my ears.
“Shit’s together. I’m ready, Coach.”
He slaps my left shoulder pad. “All right, let’s go win us a football game.”
“Yes, Coach!” I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.
The celebration over our win has already started with music blasting through the locker room. The atmosphere is loud, obnoxious, and upbeat.
Jerome, one of my roommates, zips up his bag next to me.
“Hey, man,” I say to him. “Kick-ass touchdown.”
His smile widens. “Thanks for the sweet pass.”
“No, the credit is all yours, man.” I extend my fist.
Jerome bumps it. “You coming to the party with us?”
Bringing my hand to the back of my neck, I look down as my fingers rub my muscles. “No, I don’t think so. I have a huge stats test on Monday.”
“Come on, you can study tomorrow. You need to celebrate. You played a flawless game,” Jerome urges.
“Thanks, but I can’t, really. My classes are already kicking my ass this semester.”
“You guys ready to get shitfaced?” Josh, another roommate, cheers from behind me, his hand slapping me on the back.
“You know it!” Jerome yells. “Jax here is going to study.”
“Fuckin’ A. Again? What’s your deal?” Josh asks.
“I know. I’m a fucking loser this year. What can I say?” I throw my bag across my shoulder.
“Oh, leave Jax alone. Some of us aren’t content with just passing our classes with the bare minimum to play football. Some of us here”—Ben, the last roommate to join the conversation, cups his hand on my shoulder—“want to be super successful and shit. I say it’s admirable.”
“Shut up, Ben,” I say, offering a bemused smile.
Ben sighs. “I’m going to miss my wingman though.”
“Are ya?” I huff out a chuckle.
“Hell yeah, I am. Do you know how many girls I get from you? They always start by flirting with the almighty Jax Porter, but when they realize they aren’t going to crack your Lily armor, they make their way over to us.”
“You’re an idiot.” I shake my head.
“It’s true,” Josh offers. “You not coming out lately has been affecting my game.”
“Dude”—I look at Josh—“I’ve seen the girls leaving the apartment. Your game is just fine.”
“Well, yeah, obviously. But I do have to work a little harder at it.” Josh shrugs.
“You’ll live. I promise.”
“All right, well, I’ll drink enough for the both of us, okay?” Jerome proclaims.
I laugh. “You do that. You all have fun.”
I exit the stadium and start walking toward our apartment. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to find a text from Lily.
Little: Good game!
Me: Thanks.
Little: You were perfect, Jax. Really! I miss you! What are you up to?
Me: Not much. I’ll probably go out for a little bit with the guys. Not sure. What about you?
Little: I’m going out to some bar the girls have been raving about. $5 Long Islands!
Me: Yeah, that sounds dangerous. Please be careful.
Little: You know I will. I’ll call you when I get home.
Me: Please do.
Little: Okay…well, have fun with the guys. Tell them I said hi.
Me: I will. They miss you. It’s been forever since you’ve been here. :(
Little: I know. I’m going to grab my car during Thanksgiving break. I don’t know what I was thinking, not bringing it. :( Well, be safe. Love you so much.
Me: Love you more.
Little: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I’m so annoyed with myself. I’m not sure why I felt the need to lie to Lily. I never lie to her—ever. I just feel like I’m spiraling out of control, and I have to keep it from her. I don’t want her to worry. She only has two years away at college, and I want her