feed Adam and his family? Fight with savage passion for her? Adopt a kitten to please a little girl?
Someone knocked on the door. She thought it might be the captain and was tempted to open the door just as she was.
“Go away.”
“Silene.” It was Bishop Graham’s voice. “May I have a word with you?”
Was she allowed to deny a bishop? She sighed and rose to dress. “Coming.”
When she opened the door, she found the bishop’s warm smile soothing.
“Come in, Your Excellency.”
“Father is fine,” he corrected gently and entered.
She left the door opened and walked around him to face him and smile.
“I wanted to speak to you about what will happen a pair of days from now.”
She wrung her skirts and wondered if he would notice that she wasn’t breathing.
“Vows are a promise to God, child.”
“Aye, Father, I understand.”
“If you say them,” he went on anyway, “you must not go back on your word.”
She nodded. What did he know? Why was he here?
“What is it that brings you such sadness and regret?”
She blinked. Did she dare lie to a bishop? She felt ill. Was she that transparent? “How…how did you know I was troubled?”
He smiled and his ears appeared even larger. “My dear, when we told you that you would be saying your vows now instead of in the spring, you looked as if we had just destroyed all your hopes and dreams.”
She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t tell him about the captain. Her heart drummed. She drew her fingers to her brow. She missed having someone to talk to whom she trusted. She missed Agnes and the others.
“I cannot repeat what you tell me in confession,” he assured her.
“I…I am unsure.”
He lifted a bushy brow. “About what?”
She closed her eyes. If he went to her uncle or any of the others, all would be lost.
“Saying my vows,” she confessed to him.
“Why?” he asked softly. “Is your faith fading?”
“Oh, nay, Father. My faith is not in danger.” Her life was, but she couldn’t tell that much to him. He would have to do something to protect her and would have to repeat what she told him.
“’Tis my heart.”
“Ah, I see.”
She lifted her gaze. “You do?”
He nodded. But his smile hadn’t returned.
“I hate that I feel so terrible about something that stirs my heart so wondrously.”
The bishop was quiet for a while, and then he asked, “And he has made you question a life in a priory?”
“Aye, Father.”
He sighed, either with frustration or acceptance. He was difficult to read.
“What should I do?”
He shrugged, stretching his dark blue robes across his chest. “I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you that a sister is something you should want to be. You can still serve the Lord either way.”
She nodded and smiled. She believed it to be true.
“Seek His guidance,” he told her, finally smiling back. “You will find it.”
“May I ask,” she began and continued when he did not refuse, “what will happen to my uncle if I do not speak them? How will he be affected?”
“Silene,” he said on a whisper, “you cannot speak these vows to God for any other reason than that you wish to dedicate your entire life to Him. If you say them to appease your uncle…” he shook his head instead of continuing. “You are better off not speaking them. Do you understand?”
She nodded. “Are you advising me to—”
“I’m advising you to seek the truth about your heart. If you are in love with a man who makes you question—”
“Father, I have two days to decide.”
He smiled at her with understanding. “I was once given moments to decide if I should side with the Scot’s king, who had been thrown into prison, or England’s king, who ruled more territories day after day.”
“How did you decide?” she asked.
“I let God lead me. My path came in the form of a soft breeze from the north.”
“A soft breeze?”
He nodded. “Aye, child. Sometimes, we just need to listen.”
He left her to pray, which she did for the entire day. She didn’t leave her chambers save to visit the garderobe, or open the door for her food, of which she ate little.
She didn’t hear the captain outside her door, poised to knock three separate times, or hear his footsteps when he walked away. Nor did she receive the answers she was looking for.
She was almost fully certain of her decision, which she’d made on her own when the morning of the second day came. She