Fool - By Christopher Moore Page 0,42

for you, sire," said I. "Not now that you've nothing to offer. The lady has only bile for fools and those with no title at all."

"Quiet, boy," said the king.

"You see," said Goneril. "Not just your all-licensed fool, but your whole train treats my palace like a tavern and a brothel. They fight and eat all day, drink and carouse all night, and you care for nothing but your precious fool."

"As it should be," said Jones, albeit softly - when royal ire is raging, even the spittle sprayed from their lips can rain down death on the common puppet or person.

"I care for much, and my men are the best in the land. And they have not been paid since we left London. Perhaps if you - "

"They will not be paid!" said Goneril, and suddenly all the knights in the hall came to attention.

"When I gave you all, 'twas on the condition of you maintaining my retinue, daughter."

"Aye, Father, and they shall be maintained, but not in your charge, and not in their full number."

Lear was growing red-faced now, and shaking with anger as with palsy. "Speak clearly, daughter, these old ears deceive."

Now Goneril went to her father and took his hand. "Yes, Father, you are old. Very old. Really, really, extraordinarily, mind-bogglingly - " She turned to me for a cue.

"Dog-fuckingly," I suggested.

" - dog-fuckingly old," said the duchess. "You are feebly, incontinently, desiccatedly, smelling-of-boiled-cabaggely old. You are brain-rottingly, balls-draggingly - "

"I'm fucking old!" said Lear.

"We'll stipulate that," said I.

"And," continued Goneril, "while you, in your dotage, should be revered for your wisdom and grace, you piss on your legacy and reputation by keeping this train of ruffians. They are too much for you."

"They are my loyal men and you have agreed to maintain them."

"And I shall. I shall pay your men, but half will stay here at Albany, under my charge, under my orders, in soldiers' quarters, not running about the bailey like marauders."

"Darkness and devils," cursed Lear. "It shall not be! Curan, saddle my horses, call my train together. I have another daughter."

"Go to her, then," said Goneril. "You strike my servants and your rabble makes servants of their betters. Be gone, then, but half your train shall remain."

"Prepare my horses!" said Lear. Curan hurried out of the hall, followed by the other knights, passing the Lord Albany as he entered, the duke looking more than somewhat confused.

"Why does the king's captain exit with such urgency?" asked the duke.

"Do you know of this harpy's intent to strip me of my train?" asked Lear.

"This is the first I've heard of it," said Albany. "Pray, be patient, sire. My lady?" Albany looked to Goneril.

"We do not strip him of his knights. I have offered to maintain them here, with our own force, while Father goes on to my sister's castle. We shall treat his men as our own, with discipline, as soldiers, not as guests and revelers. They are out of the old man's control."

Albany turned back to Lear and shrugged.

"She lies!" said Lear, now wagging a finger under Goneril's nose. "Thou detested viper. Thou ungrateful fiend. Thou hideous - uh - "

"Slag!"[32] I offered. "Thou piteous prick-pull. Thou vainglorious virago. Thou skunk-breathed licker of dog scrotums. Do jump in, Albany, I can't go on forever, no matter how inspired. Surely you've years of suppressed resentment to vent. Thou leprous spunk-catch. Thou worm-eaten - "

"Shut up, fool," said Lear.

"Sorry, sirrah, I thought you were losing your momentum."

"How could I have given preference to this villainess over my sweet Cordelia?" asked Lear.

"Doubtless that question was lost worse in the wood than I, seeing as it has only caught up with you now, sire. Shall we take cover against the impact of the revelation that you've awarded your kingdom to the best liars of your loins?" Who would have thought it, but I'd felt more charity toward the old man before he realized his folly. Now -

He turned his eyes skyward and began to invoke the gods:

"Hear me, nature, dear goddess hear.

Convey sterility onto this creature,

Dry up her womb

And never let a babe spring from

Her body to honor her.

Instead create in her a child of spleen and bile.

Let it torment her, and stamp wrinkles in her youthful brow

Let it turn all of her mother's benefits

To laughter and contempt, that she may feel

How sharper than a serpent's tooth

It is to have a thankless child!"

With that the old man spat at Goneril's feet and stormed out of the hall.

"I think he took