Fool - By Christopher Moore Page 0,41

to my charms by means of dark and powerful magic. Ha! I felt better. "She reads the letter I forged in his hand even now."

"Your fool," Oswald announced as we entered the hall.

The old king was there, with Captain Curan and a dozen other knights who looked like they'd just returned from the hunt - for me, no doubt.

"My boy!" Lear called, throwing his arms wide.

I walked into his embrace, but did not return it. I found no tenderness in my heart at the sight of him, but my anger boiled still.

"Oh joy," said Oswald, his disdain dripping like venom in his voice. "The prodigal git returns."

"See here," said Lear. "My men have yet to be paid. Tell my daughter I will see her."

Oswald did not acknowledge the old man, but kept walking.

"You, sir!" roared the king. "Did you hear me?"

Oswald turned slowly, as if he'd heard his name carried in faintly on the wind. "Aye, I heard you."

"Do you know who I am?"

Oswald picked a front tooth with the nail of his small finger. "Aye, my lady's father."

He smirked. The rascal had cheek, that I will give him, that or a burning desire to be catapulted cod over cap into the afterlife.

"Your lady's father!" Lear pulled off his heavy leather hunting gauntlet and backhanded it across Oswald's face. "You knave! You whoreson dog! You slave! You cur!"

The metal studs on Lear's glove were beginning to draw blood where they struck Oswald. "I am none of these things. I will not be struck by you." Oswald was backing toward the great double doors as Lear worried at him with the glove, but when the steward turned to run Kent threw out a leg and swept him off his feet.

"Or tripped, neither, you tosser!" said Kent.

Oswald rolled into a heap at the foot of one of Goneril's guards, then scrambled to his feet and ran out. The guards pretended they'd seen nothing.

"Well done, friend," said Lear to Kent. "Are you the one who brought my fool home?"

"Aye, he is, nuncle," said I. "Rescued me from the darkest heart of the forest, fought off brigands, pygmies, and a brace of tigers to bring me here. But don't let him talk his Welsh at you, one tiger was vanquished in a sluice of phlegm and mortally beaten with consonants."

Lear looked closely now at his old friend, then shivered - guilt's chill claws scuttling across his spine, no doubt. "Welcome, then, sir. I thank thee." Lear handed Kent a small purse of coin. "Earnest payment for your service."

"My thanks and my sword," said Kent, bowing.

"What is your name?" asked Lear.

"Caius," said Kent.

"And whence do you hail?"

"From Bonking, sire."

"Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?"

"Bonking Ewe on Worms Head," I offered with a shrug. "Wales - "

"Fine, then, join my train," said Lear. "You're hired."

"Oh, and allow me to hire you as well," said I, removing my hat and handing it to Kent with a jingle.

"What's this?" asked Kent.

"Who but a fool would work for a fool?"

"Watch your tongue, boy," said Lear.

"You'll have to get your own hat, fool," said I to the king. "Mine is already promised."

Captain Curan turned to conceal a smile.

"You call me a fool?"

"Oh, should I not call you fool? All your other titles you have given away, along with your land."

"I'll have you whipped."

I rubbed my burning bottom. "That is the only legacy you have left, nuncle."

"You've become a bitter fool in your absence," said the king.

"And you the sweet one," said I. "The fool who makes a jest of his own fate."

"The boy is not altogether fool," said Kent.

Lear turned on the old knight, but not in anger. "Perhaps," said he, weakly, his eye drifting to the stones of the floor as if searching for an answer there. "Perhaps."

"The lady, Goneril, Duchess of Albany!" announced one of the guards.

"Craven hose-beast!" I added, relatively certain the guard would forget that part.

Goneril breezed into the room, no notice of me, she went right to her father. The old man opened his arms but she stopped short, a sword-length away.

"Did you strike my man for chiding your fool?" Now she scowled at me.

I rubbed my bum and blew her a kiss.

Oswald peeked through the doors to the hall, as if waiting for the answer.

"I struck the knave for being impudent. I but asked him to fetch you. My fool has only just returned from being lost. This is not a time for frowns, daughter."

"There're no smiles